Monday, May 11, 2015

I hope you hear me friend, because I don't know how else to reach you

Perhaps you have noticed the sentimental quality of my blogs lately. I'll be honest, I have had quite the hefty emotional hammer thrown at me and I haven't figured out yet how to deal with it, but I do remember how it feels. This has happened to me too many times and I don't want to have this one run off the tracks.

Now I don't want to be overly specific because there is no reason to talk about personal issues on a very open blog, but I will discuss a situation I dealt with previously and hopefully the person I am trying to get this message out to will hear me. I hope she hears me....

I mentioned an ex-fiance of mine on my last blog and even though our friendship sadly went astray it isn't the only thing I am sad about when I think of him. I also lost a very good girl friend, and a very good confidant in the time I lost my ex-fiance. I remember wondering why when I broke off the engagement that my girlfriend didn't immediately come to my side, I was hurt and left alone. Now honestly when I look back on the situation as I have said before, I made some serious mistakes, ones that I can't take back and ones I don't regret, but I see why my best friend at the time didn't rush to comfort me. I did something hurtful and mean to a friend of hers, I caused harm and pain, I was the bad guy. It wasn't her fault taking the side of the person that needed it, though I should have explained myself better to her at the time, I didn't. I was stubborn and narrow minded. I was hurting, and even though she had no clue, I thought she would understand because.....best friend intuition?
Now I look at friendships the same way I look at relationships with a significant other, they are hard work and not always easy going. There will be arguments and disagreements or misunderstandings. There will be pain and loss, but in the end there will always be love and devotion, loyalty and bitter sweet honesty.

I think way back when I wasn't honest enough to my friends because I thought they would just know. My best friend from way back when, why didn't she know I needed her? How could she, I never actually told her. I didn't explain anything to her, I just expected her to blindly take my side. How ludicrious. Now, how hard was it to see her date my ex-fiance. Really hard. And how hard was it to see them get married but not be invited to the wedding; it was heart breaking. After all of the years of pain and struggle to be close to them both I had been cast out again. Do I blame her? No, I can't, she did the same thing any other sane women would do. Remove the X equation and have a happier life. I don't blame her for our friendly demise, and I don't blame my ex either. I do however blame myself for not handling it better and saying what I really wanted to at the time that I should have said it.
See, now I am going through a slightly similar situation. I desperately want to express myself to someone I hold very dear to my heart, but at the moment she is a little too upset to hear me out. I hope she is listening to me now. I made this mistake before, not saying what I needed to and I don't want to make this mistake again. 

To my best friend,  whom you will always be,  I love you always. We have walked into a difficult situation and for that I can't say I'm sorry.  Every relationship needs to be tested,  every one needs to experience the hurt to understand the good of what they have.  I crossed a line,  part of which I'm not responsible,  but part of which I could have handled a lot better.  I know you are angry with me, and don't worry you are not alone, I'm angry with you too but probably not for the reasons  you may think.  I'm upset we let it get to this,  I'm upset we haven't talked this through. We are allowing this white elephant to sit between us while we remain silent.  I have been here before and it didn't end nicely.  I promised before I would always be honest,  and I stand true to that.  I also need you to know that I am willing to listen to your side.  I may believe one thing,  but I need your facts to know the whole story.  I hope you don't let this amazing friendship we have slip away.  I don't want to see you go,  I love you, but more than that I need you. 

Life is too short to be angry, and the time we have together might not last as long as we hope. I have dealt with too many lost friendships to let this one drift into a mist of nothing. I still miss my friends from way back when and I will always miss them. I always wish things would have worked out differently but people change and grow and move away. I don't want that to happen to us. Please don't let this happen to us.

I hope you read this and see it as my peace offering. I hope you realize how much you mean to me. I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you, make you feel alone, or make you feel like I was against you. I only every wanted to show you the truth. I wanted you to know that I made a very big mistake in my past and I saw you walking the same path, I was only trying to caution you against it but in doing that I caused a train wreck of events that compounded into mistrust and frustration. I hope you hear me when I say I am sorry. I also hope you hear when I say I am hurting too and I need you just as much as I know you need me. 

I love you friend, and always will. I really hope I hear from you soon.....