Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I don't regret...but I learn not to do it again

It's odd to think in terms of good moments and bad, ones we remember and others we force ourselves to forget. I don't regret a single moment of it though because it taught me valuable lessons that without the experience I never would have learned.

One lesson I took to heart very strongly is to love and let go, forgive and remember. I held a lot of grudges when I was younger and it hurt my relationships very strongly. I inadvertently ended an engagement because I was so hurt by his past mistakes. I held the grudge around my heart and vowed vengeance. I got it, but in the worst possible way. I lost everyone I knew and loved because of it, they all turned against me. I was hurt and frustrated because at the time I felt justified in my actions of retaliation. He totally deserved what he got. Didn't he?

As years passed I slowly realized my massive mistake. Yes he made a mistake and hurt me, yes I pushed it aside and forced myself to deal with it internally or at another time, but I had no right to lash back at him the way I did. I carry this with me every day, but still I don't regret my action because I learned a valuable lesson about love and friendship through my mistakes.

I cherish my friends, I cherish my family, I cherish my boyfriend; I love these people without any reservation. I know walking into a relationship that there will be pain and torment, but I give them my heart fully building a trust with them as we go. Of course trust can be broken, it happens to the worst of us, but I try really hard to always be honest and forward more now that I ever have before.

Now I see things from a perspective of deep understanding of what I want, need, and desire. I want a good friend that sees me for what I am, I need someone who is willing to flux with the ups and downs life has to through at us, and I need them to see that I am honest to a fault and will sometimes overstep my boundaries in trying to be forward and honest. I'm going to make mistakes, and of course I will fail but that is human. The intentions are pure despite the open mouth insert foot moments.

I no longer think of my experiences as good or bad, but more a process of learning and growing. Each second is precious to me and each moment with the people around me means more to me than all the treasures in the world.

And then...I take a deep breath and think about the fact that I already almost 30 and life is too damn short to be sad, hurt, angry or worried. I want to enjoy life, revel in it's beauty and enjoy the moments of love and social interaction. This time I have right now is temporary and I will not waste a second of it.

Instead...
I will ogle my boyfriend every chance I get, giggle and laugh until our stomachs ache, and cuddle until I can't possibly get any closer.
I will drink wine with my girls, gossip like a teenage about silly work stuff, laugh over shared stories and cry and hold onto them when they need an ear and a shoulder to lean on.
I will see my family as much as I can, call my parents as often as possible, and share moments that last a lifetime in our enormous list of "inside jokes"
And I will love them all during every moment of it.
I will also google pug pictures like my life depended on it