Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I don't regret...but I learn not to do it again

It's odd to think in terms of good moments and bad, ones we remember and others we force ourselves to forget. I don't regret a single moment of it though because it taught me valuable lessons that without the experience I never would have learned.

One lesson I took to heart very strongly is to love and let go, forgive and remember. I held a lot of grudges when I was younger and it hurt my relationships very strongly. I inadvertently ended an engagement because I was so hurt by his past mistakes. I held the grudge around my heart and vowed vengeance. I got it, but in the worst possible way. I lost everyone I knew and loved because of it, they all turned against me. I was hurt and frustrated because at the time I felt justified in my actions of retaliation. He totally deserved what he got. Didn't he?

As years passed I slowly realized my massive mistake. Yes he made a mistake and hurt me, yes I pushed it aside and forced myself to deal with it internally or at another time, but I had no right to lash back at him the way I did. I carry this with me every day, but still I don't regret my action because I learned a valuable lesson about love and friendship through my mistakes.

I cherish my friends, I cherish my family, I cherish my boyfriend; I love these people without any reservation. I know walking into a relationship that there will be pain and torment, but I give them my heart fully building a trust with them as we go. Of course trust can be broken, it happens to the worst of us, but I try really hard to always be honest and forward more now that I ever have before.

Now I see things from a perspective of deep understanding of what I want, need, and desire. I want a good friend that sees me for what I am, I need someone who is willing to flux with the ups and downs life has to through at us, and I need them to see that I am honest to a fault and will sometimes overstep my boundaries in trying to be forward and honest. I'm going to make mistakes, and of course I will fail but that is human. The intentions are pure despite the open mouth insert foot moments.

I no longer think of my experiences as good or bad, but more a process of learning and growing. Each second is precious to me and each moment with the people around me means more to me than all the treasures in the world.

And then...I take a deep breath and think about the fact that I already almost 30 and life is too damn short to be sad, hurt, angry or worried. I want to enjoy life, revel in it's beauty and enjoy the moments of love and social interaction. This time I have right now is temporary and I will not waste a second of it.

I will ogle my boyfriend every chance I get, giggle and laugh until our stomachs ache, and cuddle until I can't possibly get any closer.
I will drink wine with my girls, gossip like a teenage about silly work stuff, laugh over shared stories and cry and hold onto them when they need an ear and a shoulder to lean on.
I will see my family as much as I can, call my parents as often as possible, and share moments that last a lifetime in our enormous list of "inside jokes"
And I will love them all during every moment of it.
I will also google pug pictures like my life depended on it

Thursday, April 16, 2015

To My LA Family, I need to tell you how much you mean to me

You get what you work for. That line will forever be ingrained in my head. It's not what you dream about or what your goal might be, if you work for it, you WILL achieve it.

When I first moved to LA my number one goal was to build a friend base. Sounds silly to some maybe, but it was very important to me to find a family in such an unknown and at the time very scary new place. Yes I wanted a job and a place to live and decent pay, but really truly above everything I wanted really good friends.

I never had that friend base from my child hood that followed me through my life. I had great friends in high school, but we have since dispersed into our own lives and for random circumstances that are neither mine or their faults, we have all lost touch. So truly until I moved to LA I never found my own "people." Now, don't get me wrong, I have many friends that I still love and talk to. Individuals from my past that I love to catch up with. But for the most part (outside of my awesome SD roommates!! Still love you all girls :) my friends were people I met through boyfriends and when the relationship split, I hardly saw those people anymore.

I really wanted my own friends. My own people. I wanted a base of family that I could call my own, and when I moved to LA, I found them.

It started slow like most families do, I met Brandie randomly on a Saturday at what would be my place of work not but 3 months later. We clicked right away and became quick friends but I owe it all to her in the fact that she made a point to be close to me right from the get go. Extremely personable, and never ending energy that I envy every time I chug a cup of coffee, she took me into her world and showed me that even strangers can bond when given the chance.

My next friend, Angel, I met at my first job in Santa Monica. We really truly only worked one actual day with each other, but did the same job on opposite days. I think our bond started with the fact that we both desperately wanted to work in the industry being new to LA, and we both started the job on the same day. I loved her funky colorful style and her ever changing hair color. I still have the pictures from the night we went to a work event chatting with people and acting like we both knew how to be LA, it was a fun night and more than memorable.

Soon after I found my groove in LA, I got a job at a big Post Film house in Hollywood. At first it wasn't so much a dream job as a paycheck, and truly the only people I knew at the time were busy in the time I was free and vice versa. It wasn't easy the first 10 months of living in LA, but it made me a strong person and one that can manage to be on my own.

Eight months into living here, I found myself breaking up with my boyfriend, who I don't need to go into detail about. Brandie and Angel helped me through the breakup bringing me little gift baskets (yes I still love that you brought me a box of bandaids B) and wine to get me through the pain.

Don't worry though, the pain didn't last long. I was in a relationship that should have ended many months before. Soon after I met another new friend....via online dating. Now it might spoil this blog story if you have been reading my blogs, but this is when I met Bear. We dated for about 6 months, and then separated for mutual reasons and understandings, but he became a fast friend that I still can't believe I lucked out in finding on OKcupid.

Bear helped me through the growing pains of being away from my family, along with Brandie helped me move into my new studio, and stayed with me through a night of horrible kidney stones because I didn't have insurance to go to the hospital. He became an anchor of mine early on, and I will always be thankful that I found him when I did.

Next came Laura who packed a bunch of new people into my life. She was like raging river that filters out into many tiny rivers because through her I met everyone else. Brandie introduced me to Laura who also worked at the Hollywood Post house. I went to her boyfriend, Drew's, birthday party and from there my family started to grow. She quickly became a very close friend of mine and I realized quickly that I had found a sister in the depths of LA.

Drew is like the friendliest most happy teddy bear you will ever meet. Blonde hair surfer boy with the most adorable little boy smile, him and Laura are a perfect pair and I loved being around them. Once I fell into their group I saw them practically every weekend. I couldn't get enough of the family and feeling like I finally belonged.

Soon after I met Dan, who I believe is the most giving person in the entire damn world. No joke, when my laptop died and I had nothing to complete my novel on he gave me his old laptop as a christmas gift. Still to this day Dan gives more than he ever receives just because it makes him happy. I try to keep up, but it's like trying to give the rain back to the clouds. I met Dan at a party one night at Drew's house and we instantly started talking nerd. I loved it! He will forever be my go to nerd dictionary, which I believe is absolutely necessary to have.

One energetic New Years Eve I met Melaina and Jordan, boyfriend and girlfriend at the time, friends of Drew and Laura. I had strangely never met them before at all the events and socials at Drews place, but here they were and I instantly loved them both. I took pride in the fact that I stole Melaina's digits that night and looked forward to the next time I would see her. I knew right away that I had found another sister.

These people became my rock, my solid base to stand on. I wouldn't be me today where I am without them.

I'm writing this now because I miss them all terribly. We had one wonderful great year of being together and sharing our lives and in the last 10 months things have twisted out of control. I am not sure when it started or how it came to be what it is now, but I have to tell you I miss my friend family more than anything. I worked so hard to maintain and form these relationships that it kills me inside to see them wilt. Now I know that a lot of friend groups go through growing pains, it just just like any other relationship but still, I want to get back to the good times. I want to mutual love and enjoyment surrounding us that we once had.

I am dedicating this post to you my LA family, the ones that I love and that have been there with me through the difficult and the impossible...

Brandie, I will always cherish your undying devotion and determination to show what a true friend is. Whenever I needed help with the horrible stuff, you were there by my side to help me slog through it.

Angel, my little nerd love and fashionista, you are the most outgoing and enjoyable nerd/fashion lover/computer geek/gamer dominator I have ever met. And your love affair with cats makes me smile like a lunatic because I get it completely.

Laura, my best friend, I can't tell you how much I love you, adore you, cherish your honesty and need your advice. You have helped keep me sane and have guided me toward a humble yet strong woman direction. Not to mention that if anyone were to come after me, you would shank a b*tch!

Drew, the always smiling, giggling happy teddy bear. You are the life of every party man, and the most chill laid back person ever. Not to mention that you are the most determined person and are downright amazing at doing your job. No night out is right without you, and I thank you for being the center that held all of us together.

Dan, the WONDER nerd, the man that gives and gives because "why not?" and the one always ready and waiting to hang out just because, duh it's fun. You always go out of your way and are always the one to drive the furthest just to make sure you don't inconvenience anyone. You have a heart of gold my friend, truly amazing.

Jordan, you are a down right good man with a really infectious giggle. Never one to show up without your arms full of things to share. So many great one liners and loyal like no other. I am so lucky to have you in my life.

Melaina, the jelly to my peanut butter and my bestie until the end, I love you and that will never ever end. When I saw you there was a spark that hit me in the chest and I knew it was kismet, we were meant to be. There is so many wonderful memories, so many wonderful moments. You have been my shoulder to cry on, the ear when I need to vent, and my punching bag when I can't seem to stop the aggression and stress. You have supported my goals and dreams and have been my cheerleader when I needed one most. There is no better feeling than knowing that someone will have your back no matter the circumstance.

Bear, me sweet sweet handsome man. My best friend, my partner in crime, the man I can't stop giggling with and the man that I can't believe is actually mine. I lucked out finding you, and I can't help but thank you for sticking with it with me. It wasn't easy, and we knew going into this that it wouldn't be, but I am so glad we trudged through the mud together to get to the golden road we are on now. I love you, and from the depths of my heart, will always love you.

I hope all of you see how much I care about you, but more than just that how much I miss our family; our togetherness. I want us to push through this hard time and come out the other side into the light. I know there has been hurt and pain in all our lives but we truly can work through it. I miss you all, and I hope I get to see you all again together soon.

To all my readers, I hope you see how incredibly important it is to maintain friendships just as you would a relationship. I love my LA family, and that will never stop.