Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Huh...well that's new...

A strange thing happened to me last week and I feel the need to scream it out into the void.  Maybe not scream,  but loudly express to the masses if they are interested  enough to listen.

First,  I realized many years ago that I love food. Not just food in general,  I love interesting concoctions of food.  I love apples and gourmet cheese,  fig jam on jalapeƱo rosemary toast, bacon infused goat cheese stuffed dates dipped in a sweet cherry sauce.  I love food.  Reading the Hunger Games actually made me hungry because the food is described so eloquently. I don't just love food though,  I love great food.  You won't see me eating McDonald's or taco bell unless it's the last option at 3 am and I'm about to die from starvation.

Second, it's a well known fact in my friend group and my family that I am an advocate and a deep lover of really good beer. Wine is a close second as I drink it often, but a really tasty beer just always hits the right spot. It's not just about the flavor though it's about the process and the brewery. The people behind the magic. I love supporting the small breweries, and not just because I am from San Diego and some of the best breweries are located there, but more because they have worked so hard to create something I love so much. I must give them my complete and total attention.

Third, I have a ridiculous sweet tooth which amazingly as my mother and Grandmother told me, my taste buds have changed. I no longer crave the ultimate sweet sweet candy and pure sugar, I crave the decadent and the grand. Mint fudge swirl ice cream mixed with mint chocolate chips, creme brulee with a side of fresh strawberries and whip cream, fresh pumpkin cheesecake, eclairs, oh man the list just goes on. Again, I am obsessed with food, but only the best kind. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the healthy food too, I love my veggies and my fruit which is why this mass love of good things has become a very very big problem. I may think externally that I am eating quite healthy, to be honest I do still try to eat as healthy as possible, but the truth is that I love even healthy food too much that the idea of portion control just goes right out the window along with microwaved meals and fast food.

Now the strange thing that happened to me......I realized for the first time ever that I myself didn't find what I saw in the mirror attractive. It was a strange occurrence, and one that kinda came as a strange out of body experience because it was in no way self battering to my ego or damaging to my self esteem. Honestly, it was more of a blunt understanding that I had indeed gotten to a place I told myself I never would. I can't honestly say that this moment hasn't been creeping up on me because it most definitely has, but I can say that I didn't really understand the emotion and truth of it until I saw something I didn't want to see in a way that I didn't want to see it.

People are so conscious of the way they look these days that it is incredibly hard to look at your own body and say, "I love myself." I have those days too don't get me wrong. I have to tell myself that it's ok that I have red blotchy skin, that it doesn't matter that my teeth aren't all that white or straight, and that I may not have luxuriously thick curly hair, I have long beautiful hair that is for me. I am like the rest in struggling with the daily idea that what my body is...is beautiful, but there is a caveat to this. I love my eyes, my lips, my long legs, the mass of freckles in random places, I love my toes and my hands. I do love myself in the areas that are just me, no changing it in any way, I love those features. BUT....what I don't love are the areas I have allowed myself not to care about because I never fully understood what I had until I lost it. 

When I was looking in the mirror last week I realized that I was far to big around the middle, I am like a fresh green apple walking on long decently muscular legs. My arms are too big and wiggly and lets not even talk about what happened to my back (where does that extra fat even come from!!??). At one point I kinda laughed and thought, "Well now this isn't what I was planning on." I can't help but think about how ridiculous it is that I let myself get to a point that I can't even see the "physical attraction" I used to see in myself. That right there is a problem. 

You might be thinking, "Jess, you need to love yourself no matter what you look like." I agree...that's why this hit me so hard. I love myself too much to keep looking like this! I love my mind, my heart, my soul, I love myself enough to know that I went too far. The hard part is knowing you went to far and not knowing how to rewind and get yourself back to where you were. Where you felt good. It all starts with my obsession with food. It's hard to give up on it, but it is source of energy and enjoyment, I need it as much as it causes me harm. I won't be that person that eats nothing, I know that's impossible, but I need to eat less and be more aware of what I am putting into my body.

The moral of my slightly over expressed experience is that I haven't and won't stop loving myself because of this. I am on a new food journey to find a way to enjoy while eating less. I think the biggest step to take is to recognize what you are doing and then understand why you do it. Once you understand, you have to take the steps to correct the wrong and understand that there will still be downfalls because perfection is impossible. The last step toward success would be to believe you will get there and hold onto patience and understanding of change takes time. Right now I want what I was five years ago, but I can't have that right away. It will take time to achieve. 

I love myself too much to allow myself to remain this way, I will steadily walk toward change because life is too short and precious to stay in a rut of dislike and unhappiness. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Drip drip drop little April Showers.....

I watched the rain trickle down my bedroom window, tiny flicks of water catapulting at the glass without a sense of restraint. They drift through the sky with an abundance of free energy, zipping toward their end as though they can't wait to be distinguished. And they all end, every single one of them has a fleeting moment of life, and then as quickly as they sprung into existence, they are gone.

Each rain drop that lands catches my eye. Plunck followed by a long winded glide. They are a whirlwind of action and flurry but eventually they die down becoming something to be remembered. I can't remember every raindrop, but some are more amazing and worth focusing on than others.

As I watch the rain trickle in and out of existence I see a sharp spark of light flicker into view. The moment of glory has arrived. It builds in energy as it flows through the sky, crackling in and out of view as though shouting into the void, "I AM HERE!" I love lightening, every time I see it I smile in a startled moment of shock and awe. I am amazed every time, struck with a sense of wonder and enjoyment. It is perfect.

To me, life's many memories are like those drops of water. So many millions of moments, so many millions of seconds falling into minutes of time. A lifetime expelled upon the greedy ground within an afternoon. The lightening however are the catapults, the most amazing memories, the most wonderful stories; they are the golden light in a world of subtle grey. Rain enriches your life soaking you with nourishment to live, but the lightening keeps you moving forward knowing something amazing will happen again if only you are willing to be patient.

There is a moment of sadness though, when the clouds dissipate and wither away, when the sun shines strongly bringing heat and warmth back to the sodden ground. Despite the reprieve of falling water, you now are forced to wait in anticipation.

When will my next lightening find me?

Monday, May 11, 2015

I hope you hear me friend, because I don't know how else to reach you

Perhaps you have noticed the sentimental quality of my blogs lately. I'll be honest, I have had quite the hefty emotional hammer thrown at me and I haven't figured out yet how to deal with it, but I do remember how it feels. This has happened to me too many times and I don't want to have this one run off the tracks.

Now I don't want to be overly specific because there is no reason to talk about personal issues on a very open blog, but I will discuss a situation I dealt with previously and hopefully the person I am trying to get this message out to will hear me. I hope she hears me....

I mentioned an ex-fiance of mine on my last blog and even though our friendship sadly went astray it isn't the only thing I am sad about when I think of him. I also lost a very good girl friend, and a very good confidant in the time I lost my ex-fiance. I remember wondering why when I broke off the engagement that my girlfriend didn't immediately come to my side, I was hurt and left alone. Now honestly when I look back on the situation as I have said before, I made some serious mistakes, ones that I can't take back and ones I don't regret, but I see why my best friend at the time didn't rush to comfort me. I did something hurtful and mean to a friend of hers, I caused harm and pain, I was the bad guy. It wasn't her fault taking the side of the person that needed it, though I should have explained myself better to her at the time, I didn't. I was stubborn and narrow minded. I was hurting, and even though she had no clue, I thought she would understand because.....best friend intuition?
Now I look at friendships the same way I look at relationships with a significant other, they are hard work and not always easy going. There will be arguments and disagreements or misunderstandings. There will be pain and loss, but in the end there will always be love and devotion, loyalty and bitter sweet honesty.

I think way back when I wasn't honest enough to my friends because I thought they would just know. My best friend from way back when, why didn't she know I needed her? How could she, I never actually told her. I didn't explain anything to her, I just expected her to blindly take my side. How ludicrious. Now, how hard was it to see her date my ex-fiance. Really hard. And how hard was it to see them get married but not be invited to the wedding; it was heart breaking. After all of the years of pain and struggle to be close to them both I had been cast out again. Do I blame her? No, I can't, she did the same thing any other sane women would do. Remove the X equation and have a happier life. I don't blame her for our friendly demise, and I don't blame my ex either. I do however blame myself for not handling it better and saying what I really wanted to at the time that I should have said it.
See, now I am going through a slightly similar situation. I desperately want to express myself to someone I hold very dear to my heart, but at the moment she is a little too upset to hear me out. I hope she is listening to me now. I made this mistake before, not saying what I needed to and I don't want to make this mistake again. 

To my best friend,  whom you will always be,  I love you always. We have walked into a difficult situation and for that I can't say I'm sorry.  Every relationship needs to be tested,  every one needs to experience the hurt to understand the good of what they have.  I crossed a line,  part of which I'm not responsible,  but part of which I could have handled a lot better.  I know you are angry with me, and don't worry you are not alone, I'm angry with you too but probably not for the reasons  you may think.  I'm upset we let it get to this,  I'm upset we haven't talked this through. We are allowing this white elephant to sit between us while we remain silent.  I have been here before and it didn't end nicely.  I promised before I would always be honest,  and I stand true to that.  I also need you to know that I am willing to listen to your side.  I may believe one thing,  but I need your facts to know the whole story.  I hope you don't let this amazing friendship we have slip away.  I don't want to see you go,  I love you, but more than that I need you. 

Life is too short to be angry, and the time we have together might not last as long as we hope. I have dealt with too many lost friendships to let this one drift into a mist of nothing. I still miss my friends from way back when and I will always miss them. I always wish things would have worked out differently but people change and grow and move away. I don't want that to happen to us. Please don't let this happen to us.

I hope you read this and see it as my peace offering. I hope you realize how much you mean to me. I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you, make you feel alone, or make you feel like I was against you. I only every wanted to show you the truth. I wanted you to know that I made a very big mistake in my past and I saw you walking the same path, I was only trying to caution you against it but in doing that I caused a train wreck of events that compounded into mistrust and frustration. I hope you hear me when I say I am sorry. I also hope you hear when I say I am hurting too and I need you just as much as I know you need me. 

I love you friend, and always will. I really hope I hear from you soon.....