Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Graceful Truth: Part IV

Remember how I said the first time I met him I didn’t feel any sparks or violent earth shaking quakes? This time was totally different. It felt like a massive volcanic vortex opened up beneath my feet and I was on a shaky plastic perch just over the open trench of doom. Heat engulfed my entire body and my stomach completely tried to desert me by jumping out of my throat. My heart galloped into over drive super speed forcing sweat to pour from my skin like Niagara falls. It wasn’t pretty.
When his eyes clashed with mine I felt the entire world shift, but I was the only one affected by it. His soft brown eyes only linked with mine for a moment and a small smile slipped across his features before they pulled away again to focus more clearly on the pictures being taken.
The whirlwind encapsulating me petered out to a gentle hum and I was left shaken, sweaty, and breathless. From one single look! Thank God he didn’t actually say something to me or I would have been panting on my knees begging for a defibrillator.
The feeling of being swallowed whole wasn’t a new one, not around him at least. For the most part I felt shaky in my knees every time I saw him, but this one moment in particular I swore that the world would never be the same for me unless he was there in it with me.
Before we were even a serious couple, before things really took off, he had to leave for a weekend trip up north. I dropped him off at the train station and tried not to cry as I waved him off. That weekend was one of the worst weekends of my life. It was miserable being without him. Even in the day of texting, phone conversations, skype, and everything. I missed the taste of his skin, the heat of his body, the warmth of his smile, the blaze of desire running through his eyes before they twinkled with softer emotions.
When he returned a few days later I was back at the train station in my absolute best attire. I spent extra time on my hair, extra minutes on perfecting my makeup. I wanted to be what he needed. The second he walked out onto the train platform it felt like I was in a movie. Time slowed to a crawl when our eyes spotted each other from across the busy space of hustling bodies. I gasped as I felt a crashing vortex slam against me. By the time we reached each other I was a goner.
My heart slammed against my chest strumming a cadence I had never felt before, my face ached deliciously from how wide I was smiling and my eyes burned with the desire to cry salty sweet tears. I didn’t need to be rescued from the whirling sensation because his hands were all I needed to keep me up, his body was all I needed to keep me steady.
That changed when he walked away. Actually it’s more appropriate to say I shoved him away and he listened to me even though he begged me not to do it. Honestly what did I know, I was a damn idiot. I had everything I ever wanted in the palm of my hand and I tossed it away at the earliest sign of struggle.
Sure I can blame it on age, on distance, on the fact that I wasn’t ready; but the truth is that I was ready, and I was scared. I have never been one able to deal with commitment, and the certainty of him completely terrified me.
So now I’m sitting inside the large white reception tent clutching the small plastic card with my name on it. Miss Grace Parker. It’s nice to see the three letter prefix, like it wasn’t already half impossible to go to a wedding filled with couples and realize you are practically the only Miss in the entire party. I contemplate getting up and leaving, I already did my duty as his friend. I came to the ceremony like he had asked me to, I didn’t really need to stay.
I didn’t move though, I knew I wouldn’t. Despite the angst of frustration coiling in my belly I knew I wouldn’t leave, not without speaking to him first. Not without saying my final good bye. Not without knowing the decision I made so very long ago was still the right one.
Should I have the chicken at this damn wedding, or the fish? I can’t decide. I am going to have the champagne though, keep that one coming.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Graceful Truth: Part III

Oh dear God they wrote their own vows. I know it’s really rude for me to huff loudly in the middle of their loving words to each other but honestly the sappy adoration spilling from their mouths is insanely puke worthy.
Do people actually feel this way? Who says, “I love you like air, and without you in my life I would cease to exist.” That is anything but true, you can totally live without a person because it’s not necessary to your vitals. And I can tell you first hand that you not only live, but you suffer. It’s like watching the knife slide in-between your chest plate stabbing you in the lungs. You feel like you’re suffocating in a vat of nothingness, then the blade recedes and you heal. But the stabby stab is on repeat and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Stab. Suffocate. Repeat.
The problem is I know what it feels like to love, to say the stupid ridiculous things to each other that only make sense in your own bubble of togetherness. I remember the first actual date we went on, which actually wasn’t a date at all at the time. He wanted to get his picture taken for his online portfolio, and I just so happened to love taking pictures. I would never consider myself a photographer, but I could pass as a decent amateur.
We headed down to Coronado Island together, me snapping pictures, and him acting silly trying to ignore the fact that my sole attention was on him. At first it was strange because I was allowed to look at him, then it became wonderful that I was allowed to fully appreciate and adore him. The way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed at my silly jokes. The way he looked at me like I was the only one in his entire world. It melted my heart. I never thought I would love again, but on that first date he broke all the rules I had so strictly set in place. He didn’t even know what he was doing, didn’t see the walls the broke down around my feet as he spoke to me. In that one day I became the most vulnerable piece of flesh, just a bag of bones and meat without a brain to formulate a plan. If he told me to jump I swear I would have asked, “How high?”
I don’t know where it went wrong, because for a very long time it was oh so wonderfully good. I couldn’t get enough of him, I was hooked like an addict and he was my constant fix. I needed more, always more, and he was more than willing to give it.
Two months after our first date we were officially dating, though for some reason we held it close to our chests like Gollum would his precious ring. No one was allowed to know, it was ours, our own, our precious. I don’t really know why we did that, but it felt weird to say it out loud. We went to class as friends, and hung out at friends, but alone we were a single unite flowing with the pace of time. It was beautiful, amazing, breathtakingly wonderful . I wanted to live in that moment of time forever. Disappear into the sparkling pools of bliss.
Looking up at the couple before me as the Minister says, “You may kiss the Bride,” my inward reaction is to tear up at the beautiful expression of love but instead what happened was my mouth opened and I exclaimed, “Ugh.”
Yes I received several stern glares, but was quickly forgotten as the new couple turned toward the crowd, pure elation plastered all over their perfect little married faces. My gag reflexes were kicking in and I pulled every restraint I had to keep my innards under control. They walked past me in a blur of white and charcoal grey followed by a sea of fluffy tull and rose petals. The ceremony was done, it was over, and my duty as his once best friend was almost complete. Almost but not yet.
I stumble out behind the wave of friends and family spilling out onto the wide expanse of lawn just outside the church. The reception is being held in the back of the church beneath a snowy white tent, but for the moment a cocktail drinks session is happening out front while the pictures of the happy couple are being taken. Part of me wants to snap off a few pictures myself as I see the photographer in the distance clicking away at the smiling wedding party but I keep my camera in my purse. I don’t want any reminders of today, it was hard enough to force myself to come, but cataloging this day with an image was too much to bear. They all posed and smiled laughing at their own inside jokes. I wanted to say it made me feel sick but what I felt inside was worse.
I felt the walls around my heart shatter, splitting into plummeting chunks of my once sturdy protection. This time it wasn’t because of love, it was the pain of seeing him happy without me. The walls crashed at my feet with forceful reckoning crushing my heart beneath it.
That’s when he saw me.

The Graceful Truth: Part II

My first break up was ungodly horrible. I know it's typical and every girl goes through it, but I swear I thought I was going to die. I did that thing where I would hide in the bathroom and cry until my face hurt. I would look in the mirror and criticize myself for being so ugly while crying. My mascara running down my face, my eyes so red and puffy it looked like I had been attacked by a dust ball the size of my house. It was absurd, I know everyone is hideous when they cry. Except Charlize Theron, I think she would look beautiful even if she was pooping shards of glass.
Even though I thought that first breakup would likely kill me, I survived just like my mother told me I would. "Every break up hurts honey, but fix your make up girl and start acting like a lady." My mother was stern but loving. She picked me up when I fell and dusted off my back side with a sharp, "Get over it darling," mixing the sweetness with a pang of zest. It helped me move on from a lot of dumb things in my life, but nothing could have prepared me for the damage he would cause. There was just no getting over him. And it was my fault that it happened, my fault that it fell to pieces, and my fault that is was never fixed.
Who is him? Well I detest saying his name to be honest, but it's difficult to explain this turd of a story unless you know all the details. Perhaps this is my way to purge, to tell you the full truth because Lord knows there were many times I didn't. But now I want to set it all straight, and lucky you, you get to hear all the gory details.
His name is Kellan, which of course is a nick name. His actual name is Charles Kellan Castell, but no one in their right mind would want to be called Charlie. Especially after watching All Dogs Go to Heaven. Anyways, everyone calls him Kellan or Kell. Sometimes I called him Kelly, which he absolutely hated, so I did it anyways just to see his nostrils flare with annoyance.
I met Kellan on my first day of college and I'll be honest it wasn't sparks and cupid arrows zooming all over the place. He had such a pompous face. I thought he was a spoiled brat, but that didn't mean I could keep my eyes from looking at him. I would watch him from afar as he prepped his paper for the class, lined out the guides for a new piece of illustration, and clicked away through Photoshop as we formulated a new digital piece. Our first class was a breeze to get through and half the time it was a joke, but still I enjoyed it because I enjoyed watching him. 
I'm pretty sure he noticed by day two because he sat right next to me that afternoon with a smile on his face that read, "I caught you!" Coincidentally that was the day my teacher decided we needed a seating chart because we are in college and seating charts seem like all the rage. I was stuck sitting next to him for 8 straight weeks without choice. Those first weeks few weeks turned into a solid year and 3 months sitting side by side, five days a weeks, four hours a day. To say it wasn't obvious that something was happening would be ridiculous, I'm pretty sure everyone around us but us knew what was happening.
Looking up at Kellan now standing at the end of the aisle watching the Bride glide toward him he doesn't resemble an ounce of the man I knew seven years ago. Of course he looks the same, has the same smile and overly perfect teeth which always pissed me off because I suffered through too many years of braces. His hair was now cut shorter for the special event but still seemed wild and carefree, he was never one to be held down by the strict guards of society. He ran his own path, or at least he did. Today he was everything but rebellious.
First he was in a wedding, to which I distinctly remember arguing with him about how everyone will have a wedding one day and his argument was always, "Weddings are dumb, I wouldn't be caught dead even going to one." He never technically lied to me, but he lied to himself all the time. Second, he was the owner of his own VFX company in the breezy beautiful beach city of Santa Monica. He promised he would never be a stiff shirt, a man at the beck and call of a client. He wanted to be a forever vagabond, a runaway on the edge of life. But I guess things change, and we all grow up and out of our fantasies. I wanted to be his wife and run a company alongside him, but we can't all get what we want now can we?

The Graceful Truth: Part 1

                I feel like I am at a Funeral. I know that I’m not, but there are too many similarities to discount the thought and remove it from the emotional side of my brain. The guest surrounding me in the small chapel are wearing their best attire, some are slightly moth eaten, some ill-fitting or just dusted with the dew of oldness. It wasn’t hard to imagine they pulled it out of the back of their closet’s that morning and sighed with slight frustration at not having tried on their go to outfit the day before.  There was an absence of the obvious black; instead there were purples, blues, and yellows melding together in a mesh pot of puking rainbows. I wore a silky emerald dress though I seriously considered the black. I should have worn the black.
Despite the uplifting cadence of music, the flowers pulled the scene back into a morbid affair.  Plumes of white and dainty yellow carcasses filled the enclosed space with overwhelming bitterness. I overheard it called romantic, but I saw nothing romantic about over 1,000 blooming plants that would be either tossed out or dead within the next few days.The ones closest to my seat were already browning at the edges, it wasn't a good sign and don't care that I don't believe in superstitions today it's all I had to cling on to.
I know I seem overly morbid about the event but truly I felt like my insides were slowly melting into a mush of angst and despair. It was becoming more difficult every second to breathe, more difficult to keep the solid oatmeal and strawberries I shoved down my throat that morning from making a reappearance all over the freshly polished floors.  Let it be known that for the most part I hate weddings, and for the remaining issues I have, I didn’t want to come to this wedding.
Lilting music shifted into a matrimonial death march as I saw the first sprightly youngin’ dance down the aisle tossing tiny handfuls of white petals into the air. Her joy disgusted me, which then caused my actions to also disgust me. I was shooting resting bitch face at a seven year old girl, it was beyond inappropriate. It almost felt impossible to stop myself , my heart felt like it was dying on the inside. I could feel the sharpened edge of realities knife slicing off a piece of my heart and I knew by the end of the night there would be nothing left.
Smiling faces whispered back and forth cooing annoyingly at the little girl bouncing toward the front aisle, toward him. As the audience of puking colors stood and stared up the aisle toward the entrance, my gaze slipped down the aisle.
He wasn’t looking at me obviously, and it felt strangely devious to be watching him when no one else was. His suit was a sharp charcoal grey with a black shirt and silky grey tie. A white rose clipped onto his jacket clashed with the vibrant blue linen peeking out from the chest pocket. His dark brown eyes were alight with excitement; I could see the happiness of this day seeping from every pore on his body. His hair though immaculately placed, still had a touch of rugged the way I always preferred. In a simplistic way, he looked absolutely perfect. Inwardly I sighed with loving satisfaction, outwardly I scowled.
Several other couples slipped down the aisle to the cadence of oooh’s and aaahhhh’s but the moment of anticipation had come. I saw it written all over his handsome face as soon as she appeared. The hall hushed and the music shifted once again. She walked down the polished wooden floor like a beauty queen, her bright blonde hair falling in cascading waves. Her makeup was impeccable, her smile was perfect, every bit of it made me want to puke. I didn’t want to hate her, at one time I really did love her, but the bile at the back of my throat disagreed. Watching her glide down the aisle like an angel reincarnate; I hated her, every bit of her happiness, and every bit of her perfect beautiful future.
 I wanted her to suffer like me, suffer the way I had since the day so long ago when I ruined absolutely everything.

Monday, July 28, 2014

We are making a sharp left turn now...HOLD ON!!!!!

Short but sweet.......

I'm always amazed at the drastic turns in life. One minute you are stream lining down a one way street, the signs pointing forward as straight as the eye can see, then BAM!! Change, sharp turn to the left and you almost miss it but you turn wildly with just enough time and space to make it. Whew, that was close.

I relate most of the changes in my life to the weather. It was a whirlwind! It was a rainy time. The sun was always SHINING! Everything normally has a weather type pattern to it. Right now though I don't know how to label this moment.

Things are changing, and most definitely for the better, but there is no label that I can attach to it. Right now I feel like I am in the calm before the storm, the hush before the crescendo of wind and rain, the silence before calamity and then finally will be my moment to view that brilliant sunset.

It's all about to change, and I just can't wait to explain this all when that time finally approaches. Stay tuned....the storm of change is on its way :)

Thursday, July 10, 2014

The Making of Game of Thrones Season IV



Trailers and High SQUEE factors!

I can't stop watching these trailers and getting excited about many movies to see soon!!!





The Brighter Side of The Dreaded Breakup

I remember the first time I was broken up with, it was horrible! I cried endlessly. My eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my head from the pressure of my incessant wailing, but I didn't care. I was heartbroken to the millionth degree. Snot ran down my face in rivers of yuck but still I remained steadfast in my state of misery. I wanted to whole world to feel the ache in the cavity of my chest, I wanted everyone to see my anguish and my loss. I was 19 years old and I had lost the love of my life, up until that moment at least.

To be honest the next one was a lot easier to handle, but as I got older and emotions became stronger, they also got harder until I went through an extended single time. From age 16 to 25 I had consistently been in a relationship. It was hard to imagine myself without someone next to me, without a hand to hold when things got rough. At 25 I broke up with my 2.5 year relationship and decided it was time to just be single. The first few months was ROUGH!! I didn't know how to do it. I went on a rapid amount of dates which I gotta say is where most of my ridiculously hilarious stories come from (Dating Story). I hate to admit it, but I don't remember half their names, or even what I did with them. Those first months of singledom is a blur of random faces but I would never say I regret it.

After about six months of freedom I started to feel the itch of wanting something more serious, but fate knocked me into the ground and said NO! I can't really argue with fate, because things just happen and there is no control over the events of your life. I started to say, "Screw trying to be in a relationship!" And went out to do things on my own. I finally went and saw a movie by myself, which turned into an often occurrence. I called it solo date night! It was invigorating. I went to shows by myself and swayed to the music screaming the words alongside my fellow music brethren. I was free to do whatever I wanted, free to learn and experience, free to truly get to know myself.

After experiencing the wonder of being single I am no longer afraid of it. I embrace it. I don't NEED a man in my life, I WANT one. I have the time, patience, and desire to wait for the right one.

Perhaps it's my age, or maybe my experiences in relationships but I don't see breakups as harshly as I did before. Now I see them from an outsiders view.
  • This person didn't love me
  • This person isn't worth my time or my emotions
  • This person left me and now they are out of my life
  • I don't need this person
  • Moving on
I would like to say all breakup's could be that simple but they aren't. I want to say that most relationships under a certain amount of time, and a certain amount of emotion are more easily dealt with.

The point I am getting at is to not let them control you. Have a moment to panic and freak out because your life as you know it is about to change but you have to think of that positively. Life will change, but open up. You will have more time to focus on you and your wants and needs. You will have more focus on what you want plus more drive to achieve it. A breakup is painful and frustration because you feel like you failed, but in truth, they are a blessing in disguise.

"I am single and alone, but not lonely." It's a mantra I repeat to myself and one that should spread throughout every single person. I don't want to be with someone just to not be alone, I want to be with my person and live next to my best friend. That's not an easy one to find but I won't settle before he crosses my path. Until then, I don't need a filler.

I say for every month you were in a relationship, that should be a week of intense thought and acceptance of it. You will have time to refocus yourself and give your heart time to grief while your brain tries to process the event.
Breakup's are hard, but I promise things will get better. When the clouds of gloom dissipate you will see single life as a gift. Freedom to live, freedom to know yourself, freedom to see what you WANT!
I know what I want now, and I won't settle because I am perfectly happy being single :) Now let's hit the bar and get some drinks my peeps!!