No more maybe's and not ready's...I deserve a Man, not a boy.
At first I wanted to take my time and really reflect on my recent dating experiences. I don't like to just jump off the handle into emotion, I want to really understand what is happening. I really truly want to accept the meaning behind it and why things went the way they did, but you know what conclusion I came to?
I did nothing wrong, and I feel used.
At first I was sad, then I was a little bemused, but now I'm quite angry and ticked off that dating has turned into this horrendous lying piece of crap game. If you want to know what sparked my sudden burst of "DAMN RIGHT I'M ANGRY" vibe, go here, because this MAN knows and understands exactly why I am upset.
Can you imagine if an airline pilot pulled that kind of stunt?
“Attention passengers. This is your captain speaking. I just want to tell you that, like, I don’t want things to get weird or whatever, but I’m not really into being a captain right now. I mean, yeah, I chose to take a plane full of souls up 32 thousand feet into the air at a cruising speed of 600 miles per hour, but I don’t want you think that this is, like, official, you know? I’ve got your lives in my hands, but I don’t want this to get serious. In fact, actually, look, I’m just gonna bail now. I’ve got my parachute. You don’t but that’s your problem. I got what I wanted out of this. So, uh, yeah. Bye. Enjoy your fiery demise!”
This blogger Matt Walsh is right on so many levels. When did dating turn into the blase half in half out scenario? When did the words and actions in the beginning start with, "I really like you, but I'm just not ready for anything serious." That line should be followed with a nice smile and the girl walking in the opposite direction. That dude is only saying, "I think you are hot, I like your company for the moment, and I really want to sleep with you but then when I am done since we aren't a couple I can drop this." That is total BS. Hanging out with a woman every week is SERIOUS, talking with a woman every day MEANS SOMETHING, and sleeping with a woman AFFECTS HER EMOTIONS. There is such thing as meaningless sex yes I know that, but only when both parties agree that that is all it is. When you are actively dating a woman, the sex isn't meaningless to her. Unless you intend to make your dating situation into something more, DON'T SLEEP WITH HER!!!!!
I know the hate and blame women get on the other side of the scale of the dating game, but I have to say half the shit I pull is because I CAN'T act like myself until at least a month into it. I have to protect myself and guard my emotions because of the pricks who use me for their own gain. The game is in place so that I can hold onto my sanity and emotions, but I wouldn't have to play it if a MAN walked along and said, "Hey, I like you. I want to take you out." And then opened doors for me, and paid for a drink, didn't make a sexual pass at me and CALLED ME THE NEXT DAY!!!!
I know what you are going to say gentlemen, "But it's not fair that we always pay on first dates, why do we always have to go out of our way?" First of all, deal with it, because that is how you court a woman. Second, you do that in the beginning to get your foot in the door. Once you are in, that's when you get the benefits of your hard work and effort. Let's think of it like a new job; you write a killer resume and attach an amazing cover letter. When you get the interview you dress to impress, you put your best foot forward and you act the professional part. Even when you start the job you keep up the attitude of great employee because you want to make a solid first impression that you are amazing and are worth the money you get paid. Once you prove yourself, you get a raise! Maybe you get the corner window office, the nice comfy chair, the free lunch, the late night free dinners, the snack in mid day just because you are so wonderful at what you do. If you put in the effort to woo a woman, I guarantee she will repay you three-fold in a "SERIOUS COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP."
Now on one hand I understand the lonely part, I get it, you want to hang out with SOMEONE of the opposite sex. That's ok, totally ok. We women get lonely too and in the middle of the search for your person sometimes there will be the randoms that we forget about maybe a month or so later. Those fillers are just as needed and important, but there is a respectful way to handle it. Go on a date, yes a date not a "hang out", and talk. Talk to this random stranger, get to know someone new. Maybe you will hit it off and actually want something more, maybe you won't. But you are only allowed to take her on one, maybe two dates. No sex, no intimacy past maybe an innocent make out session. After that, you are done so walk away. You don't want to stay with this woman, and she probably doesn't want to stay with you either. At the point it isn't personal because neither of you have put your best foot forward. Once you step past the boundary though and transition this situation into a random booty call, that's when you become the prick. Don't you dare text a woman past 11pm asking her if she wants to hang out. Do you realize how degrading and disrespectful that it?! You better not every turn this into you being a Codfish either, and if you don't know what I'm referring to read this. Knock it off gentleman, I know your mother's raised you better so stop treating women like toys to be tossed away when you get bored.
Perhaps I should mention that this all has to do with age and maturity. I wouldn't expect a 21 year old guy or girl to truly understand this fully. Everything is still too new, and in your younger 20's you are supposed to be dumb and stupid to learn the rules of relationships. However, once you head toward your late 20's and definitely into your 30's you damn well better know what is right and wrong. Shit or get off the pot gentleman, because honestly we don't have time for you to dance around this situation. I will give you a simple guideline....
Date One: Talk about interests, giggle about interests, smile and take in the person's attitude
Date Two: Figure out if you are on the same page of what you want in a relationship
- If you are on the same page move forward
- If you are not on the same page....walk away
Date Four: She likes you so much she wants to do something sweet for you. Cook you dinner and dessert, set up a movie at her place, take you out for a drink. Good job you Man you!!
The point is, by date two, hell by the end of date ONE, I guarantee you will know if that person is someone you want to be with. If the answer is an honest no, DO NOT play her with emotions to fill your needs. She isn't your play toy, and don't treat her like one. Now don't get defensive, you know that I am right. The only reason you are annoyed reading this is because I am calling you out on your bullshit. That's ok, you can be angry, just know that we see you for what you are, a boy. Don't worry, just like Matt Walsh said in his blog, even he had his "boy" days, but you will all become men eventually and you will find the right woman for you when you do. Until then, keep it in your pants and don't string a girl along. She has feelings, she is a person, and she deserves your respect.
I'm exhausted with these games though gentleman, and as funny as some of my dating stories are I am tired of meeting the boys in this city. I am done messing around with the maybe's and the I don't know if I am ready's, and the well let's just see where this goes...attitude. Here is my declaration:
"I want a MAN to date, I want a MAN that wants me for me and truly cherishes me and what amazing benefits, affection, and love I have to offer. I want a romantic gesture. I want flowers. I want to have the opportunity to show a MAN that I can truly love, cherish, and take care of him the way he deserves. I am an amazing woman and I deserve an amazing MAN to love with my whole heart. I won't back down, and I won't take maybe's for a test drive. I want the real thing, and if you aren't the real thing step aside because I don't have time to play your half assed games. Come and find me MAN, because this woman is ready for what you have to offer."
UPDATE TO THIS BLOG 3/27/15:
My fellow bloggers and wonderful readers, it's been a little less than a year since I have written this post and I felt the need to give you a slight update.
Shortly after a very frustrating break up and a moment of complete frustration with men in general my entire life did a complete flip flop. A very very good friend of mine who I have known for three years, and previously dated for a short stint in the beginning, came back in to my life and opened my eyes to what I had been looking for all along.
On Sept 1st I told him what I wanted and needed in my life and that I wanted and needed him, and I kid you not, his response was, "Jessica, I read your blog. I know what you want and are looking for. I'm not like those guys, and I would never treat you that way."
Needless to say my long time friend, Bear, have now been dating for seven months and I have never been happier. Not only does he listen to my wants and needs, but he is also passionate and considerate, a man of many words and a mind so full of excitment for learning that I sprint to keep up with him. He cares for me in ways I never thought a man could, and to top it all off he is my absolute best friend. I have more fun with him than I thought was possible. He is my partner in crime, the one thing I have been looking for this whole time. It's a wonderful realization that you really truly can find someone who is that one person for you and sometimes that person is right in front of you, you only have to open your eyes and not be afraid to take that leap into the wide unknown abyss of love.