Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Making my own destiny

You must be warned...its a little cheesy in here, a very distinct smoked Gouda....

I’m sitting here and thinking….what to do what to do? None of this is directed at this blog, it’s more a general blanketed question of my life. What to do? What can I do? What do I want to do? (Mainly I would love to live on a deserted island like Swiss Family Robinsons…but no crazy pirates!)

I come back to this question again and again whenever I seem to be a bit stuck. What do I do??????? Here is the thing, I feel like I am not going anywhere in my job so of course I blame that on the industry and the economy. There aren’t any jobs out there right, there is nothing better for me so I should just stay here and stew in my frustrations of being treated like the gum stuck on the bottom of the owner’s shoe. It’s not so bad right, at least I’m not out on the streets, and I can pay my way through my day to day. It’s manageable.

Then there is the matter of my home “work” life, my freelance that I try to complete and normally never have much time to do. I’m too busy, I work too much, I’m too tired, I just want to relax and watch a movie, I suck anyways why would anyone want to hire me for this…and on and on it goes, but again that is just an excuse isn’t it? I don’t work on my freelance because it’s tough to do, it’s not easy work, takes a lot of time and effort, and to be honest sometimes I really just want to drink a glass of wine and read a good book!

Then…there is “The Manny.” I write constantly, I re read it, I love it then hate it, and I re write it, I fix it, I work through the night trying to get my meaning and story across only to be exhausted the next morning and again…where did that get me? The Manny isn’t a job, it’s a hobby at the moment, something that maybe someday will turn into something but in the mean time it’s just a working project. Right?

WRONG

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!

I keep getting this all wrong. I push myself into this hole of, it’s not worth it , it doesn’t matter, you aren’t good enough, you don’t deserve it….it sounds like self pity but it’s not. It’s me keeping myself from achieving my goals because I am scared. Of WHAT!? I don’t really know…but I believe the most obvious answer is failure. That needs to be kicked aside and shoved into the ground though, you can’t fail at something you never try for in the first place. I have realized that in order to reach a goal and achieve the accomplishment you desire you have to put your own goals into place. YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN DESTINY (yeah it’s cheesy as hell, but like I said, I enjoy some wine so cheesy works for me!) I don’t believe in fate, and that if one thing happens to you it’s because down the line another thing is suppose to happen to you. I believe we make our own choices, and every choice comes with an outcome, you either learn and grow from that outcome or you let that moment pass you by without taking in any meaning to your life whatsoever.

Life is about choices, and making the choices that best work for you. If you never take the step off the trash heap, you won’t go anywhere, you will remain in the dump that you started in. I think it’s time to take charge, to make a change, to do something different. I don’t care really how, I just know I can’t stay where I am. That is all…that is what I want to do. I want to be anywhere but where I am in life right now…and I am the only one that can make that happen.