Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Graceful Truth: Part IV

Remember how I said the first time I met him I didn’t feel any sparks or violent earth shaking quakes? This time was totally different. It felt like a massive volcanic vortex opened up beneath my feet and I was on a shaky plastic perch just over the open trench of doom. Heat engulfed my entire body and my stomach completely tried to desert me by jumping out of my throat. My heart galloped into over drive super speed forcing sweat to pour from my skin like Niagara falls. It wasn’t pretty.
When his eyes clashed with mine I felt the entire world shift, but I was the only one affected by it. His soft brown eyes only linked with mine for a moment and a small smile slipped across his features before they pulled away again to focus more clearly on the pictures being taken.
The whirlwind encapsulating me petered out to a gentle hum and I was left shaken, sweaty, and breathless. From one single look! Thank God he didn’t actually say something to me or I would have been panting on my knees begging for a defibrillator.
The feeling of being swallowed whole wasn’t a new one, not around him at least. For the most part I felt shaky in my knees every time I saw him, but this one moment in particular I swore that the world would never be the same for me unless he was there in it with me.
Before we were even a serious couple, before things really took off, he had to leave for a weekend trip up north. I dropped him off at the train station and tried not to cry as I waved him off. That weekend was one of the worst weekends of my life. It was miserable being without him. Even in the day of texting, phone conversations, skype, and everything. I missed the taste of his skin, the heat of his body, the warmth of his smile, the blaze of desire running through his eyes before they twinkled with softer emotions.
When he returned a few days later I was back at the train station in my absolute best attire. I spent extra time on my hair, extra minutes on perfecting my makeup. I wanted to be what he needed. The second he walked out onto the train platform it felt like I was in a movie. Time slowed to a crawl when our eyes spotted each other from across the busy space of hustling bodies. I gasped as I felt a crashing vortex slam against me. By the time we reached each other I was a goner.
My heart slammed against my chest strumming a cadence I had never felt before, my face ached deliciously from how wide I was smiling and my eyes burned with the desire to cry salty sweet tears. I didn’t need to be rescued from the whirling sensation because his hands were all I needed to keep me up, his body was all I needed to keep me steady.
That changed when he walked away. Actually it’s more appropriate to say I shoved him away and he listened to me even though he begged me not to do it. Honestly what did I know, I was a damn idiot. I had everything I ever wanted in the palm of my hand and I tossed it away at the earliest sign of struggle.
Sure I can blame it on age, on distance, on the fact that I wasn’t ready; but the truth is that I was ready, and I was scared. I have never been one able to deal with commitment, and the certainty of him completely terrified me.
So now I’m sitting inside the large white reception tent clutching the small plastic card with my name on it. Miss Grace Parker. It’s nice to see the three letter prefix, like it wasn’t already half impossible to go to a wedding filled with couples and realize you are practically the only Miss in the entire party. I contemplate getting up and leaving, I already did my duty as his friend. I came to the ceremony like he had asked me to, I didn’t really need to stay.
I didn’t move though, I knew I wouldn’t. Despite the angst of frustration coiling in my belly I knew I wouldn’t leave, not without speaking to him first. Not without saying my final good bye. Not without knowing the decision I made so very long ago was still the right one.
Should I have the chicken at this damn wedding, or the fish? I can’t decide. I am going to have the champagne though, keep that one coming.

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