Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Graceful Truth: Part III

Oh dear God they wrote their own vows. I know it’s really rude for me to huff loudly in the middle of their loving words to each other but honestly the sappy adoration spilling from their mouths is insanely puke worthy.
Do people actually feel this way? Who says, “I love you like air, and without you in my life I would cease to exist.” That is anything but true, you can totally live without a person because it’s not necessary to your vitals. And I can tell you first hand that you not only live, but you suffer. It’s like watching the knife slide in-between your chest plate stabbing you in the lungs. You feel like you’re suffocating in a vat of nothingness, then the blade recedes and you heal. But the stabby stab is on repeat and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Stab. Suffocate. Repeat.
The problem is I know what it feels like to love, to say the stupid ridiculous things to each other that only make sense in your own bubble of togetherness. I remember the first actual date we went on, which actually wasn’t a date at all at the time. He wanted to get his picture taken for his online portfolio, and I just so happened to love taking pictures. I would never consider myself a photographer, but I could pass as a decent amateur.
We headed down to Coronado Island together, me snapping pictures, and him acting silly trying to ignore the fact that my sole attention was on him. At first it was strange because I was allowed to look at him, then it became wonderful that I was allowed to fully appreciate and adore him. The way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed at my silly jokes. The way he looked at me like I was the only one in his entire world. It melted my heart. I never thought I would love again, but on that first date he broke all the rules I had so strictly set in place. He didn’t even know what he was doing, didn’t see the walls the broke down around my feet as he spoke to me. In that one day I became the most vulnerable piece of flesh, just a bag of bones and meat without a brain to formulate a plan. If he told me to jump I swear I would have asked, “How high?”
I don’t know where it went wrong, because for a very long time it was oh so wonderfully good. I couldn’t get enough of him, I was hooked like an addict and he was my constant fix. I needed more, always more, and he was more than willing to give it.
Two months after our first date we were officially dating, though for some reason we held it close to our chests like Gollum would his precious ring. No one was allowed to know, it was ours, our own, our precious. I don’t really know why we did that, but it felt weird to say it out loud. We went to class as friends, and hung out at friends, but alone we were a single unite flowing with the pace of time. It was beautiful, amazing, breathtakingly wonderful . I wanted to live in that moment of time forever. Disappear into the sparkling pools of bliss.
Looking up at the couple before me as the Minister says, “You may kiss the Bride,” my inward reaction is to tear up at the beautiful expression of love but instead what happened was my mouth opened and I exclaimed, “Ugh.”
Yes I received several stern glares, but was quickly forgotten as the new couple turned toward the crowd, pure elation plastered all over their perfect little married faces. My gag reflexes were kicking in and I pulled every restraint I had to keep my innards under control. They walked past me in a blur of white and charcoal grey followed by a sea of fluffy tull and rose petals. The ceremony was done, it was over, and my duty as his once best friend was almost complete. Almost but not yet.
I stumble out behind the wave of friends and family spilling out onto the wide expanse of lawn just outside the church. The reception is being held in the back of the church beneath a snowy white tent, but for the moment a cocktail drinks session is happening out front while the pictures of the happy couple are being taken. Part of me wants to snap off a few pictures myself as I see the photographer in the distance clicking away at the smiling wedding party but I keep my camera in my purse. I don’t want any reminders of today, it was hard enough to force myself to come, but cataloging this day with an image was too much to bear. They all posed and smiled laughing at their own inside jokes. I wanted to say it made me feel sick but what I felt inside was worse.
I felt the walls around my heart shatter, splitting into plummeting chunks of my once sturdy protection. This time it wasn’t because of love, it was the pain of seeing him happy without me. The walls crashed at my feet with forceful reckoning crushing my heart beneath it.
That’s when he saw me.

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