Thursday, June 26, 2014

Belief Can Be The Strongest Miracle

I saw a shining light of hope on the horizon, a beacon of green beckoning me forward into the wide open space of opportunity....then a loud "HONK" sounded from behind me and I shook myself out of the haze.

Gas pedal Jessica, drive and focus.

On a daily basis during the stress, the problems and the massive piles of poo shoveled onto my plate of life I tell myself three things:
1) Tomorrow will be another day, a better day
2) Today is just a plot twist in the epic adventure of your soon to be best seller
3) Yesterday is in the past, let it go (Yep Frozen style...though I don't sing this...well not in public)


I want to believe that this to shall pass, things will get better, life will become less of a struggle, there is a light at the end of this bleak abyss, I WILL SURVIVE THIS TORRENTIAL STORM OF EVIL OBSTACLES!!! Reality is a cruel evil bitch, and I blame only myself for thinking I could out think her wide spread tentacles alone.

Once I graduated I was so....optimistic. I had this mind set that nothing could stop me. I moved up to the big bad city and I charged into the crazy world of film. That was three years ago, and I haven't made much of a dent. It makes for a sad finish doesn't it? No, I say no to that because I am not done.

Now I can't make this all happy and exciting, because life really isn't always hunky dory, easy peasy lemon squeasy, but...I can have hope. For the past three years I have been pushing on all cylinders of want and the steam is just running out. I have no drive for I want, I need to change my thoughts to I need and not just need but, "help me get what I need."

I have never been one to profess myself as a specific religion because I don't truly believe that religion is only just one faith. The Bible, the Quran, the Torah, or even Mabinogion, these are all textual stories of what the people of a specific faith believe and I can't discount a single story in them. They are stories written by men and women, a sort of guideline of good faith and understanding of religion on a whole. I believe that our faith and our believes make a spiritual connection, and the stories add value and depth to understanding. I worship the connection and relationship I have with God and the spiritual love and affection I have for mother nature. I believe that we all carry a belief, some are more stern than others but for the most part we believe in an ethereal entity surrounding us with love and nurturing care. Over the years I have been walking away from my hope and my power of belief, I felt alone and without a buddy to comfort me through the darkness.

At the bottom of the pit of our lowest lows I think is when we most often find the time to quiet our minds and reflect on our lives. Right now, I am reflecting. Where am I going? How am I going to get there? What do I need to do? But before any of that I feel that I need to believe better things will come, I just need to be patient and ask for help.

I have never been good at asking for help, in fact I down right suck at it. I don't like accepting help, I want to do it on my own, but at the same time I crazy stress over things when I have no idea how I am going to accomplish them. How will I pay my rent on time, how am I going to pay my student loans back, how am I going to buy my puppy dog food, how will I be able to get gas to get myself to work? So many questions, so many stressful worries. It sounds silly to say but at the end of the day I have to set aside those worries. Stress only makes me weaker, I need to focus on the "what I can do" column and not the "what I can't do AHHH freak out!!" column.

So my goals...my new mantra's every day
1)This too shall pass, but until then just do what you can
2) Every plot twist is a chance for change
3) I will not be defeated, if I ask for help and truly believe I can do this and that I am not alone, miracles will happen

I won't say I feel like everything is magically better, I still feel like I am at the bottom of a dark pit and the only way out is to climb every impossible inch using nothing but my finger tips and the luck that I won't fall. But even alone in the darkest depths, I am not alone. I have faith, I believe. God will not leave me to wilt into nothing, and mother nature will provide the workings of beauty and wonder to guide me through the days in peace. Life may be horribly difficult and terrifying, but I have hands to hold. I am not alone, and I can do this.