When did dating turn into this?

I am going to Preface this with a small note: I don’t need to explain to you why I am single, but I feel maybe other women want to hear they aren’t alone in the issues that crop up when you are a strong independent single woman.

 

I am going to follow that up with a small message: I don’t appreciate when I tell a guy I want to take my time, and get to know him and he automatically assume I am rejecting him and tell me…and I quote… “maybe you should go find some dumb ass meat head who only wants to get in your pants, maybe you just want that anyway.” Doesn’t that also mean that you are turning your hate on me because you are lonely and…also I quote…. “just want to be with someone, anyone, it doesn’t matter who as long as she wants to be with me. I don’t want to be single, and I want to find someone who also doesn’t want to be single.”

 

Yesterday I was asked a very simple question, one I know I have been asked before but for some reason when this question filtered through my synapses into my brain, it really irked me. The question was: “Why are you still single, is there something wrong with you?”

 

Now, to explain the situation, on this date were discussing the difficult position of being single when February hits. I, on one hand, would love a sweet romantic evening, but at the same time I don’t want that from any joe-schmoe. I would love to be with the person I love and care about, but if I don’t have that when the infamous hallmark holiday comes around I don’t get sad. I don’t worry about being alone, and I don’t care that I treat it like any other normal day. I actually enjoy being single, I enjoy the freedom and the carefree way I am able to live my life. Now, that isn’t to say being in a relationship sucks. If you are in a healthy relationship and love your S.O. then awesome for you, and I am happy for you!! I am only trying to get the point across that whether you are in a relationship or you are not, you should love living your life and enjoy what you have. Being single comes with many perks, as does being in a relationship, but when someone actually makes the point to stab at my singleness like it’s a disease, it makes me a little annoyed.

 

I am not single because I am forced to be, I am single because I choose to be. There is a very big difference between the two. I would rather be happy on my own than be in a miserable relationship because I am afraid to be by myself. Just because I am alone, doesn’t make me terminally lonely.

 

Something else that has happened more recently;  I am finding a lot of men take me trying to “be friends first” in a negative way. If I don’t meet a guy in the normal organic way, and we meet with the precedent of going on a date, they almost automatically assume that if the date went well I will be their girlfriend by the end of the week. I’m sorry boys, it doesn’t work that way. Even worse, they expect that if the date went well and I show interest, they assume they will also get lucky by the end of the night. I really really don’t understand that logic. (Now, disclaimer….of course this isn’t every date. I have had some seriously great dates, have amazing guy friends, and have dated some wonderful men that I am still really good friends with. Those are the men that I share with the people in my life, of course you don’t really hear about these guys that I am referring to because they rarely last longer than a week on my radar. Just needed to clarify.)

 

Look I like going on dates, I like meeting new people, and I like making new friends in the wild search for my one “true partner in crime.” The problem is, that once you do something that the guy you’re on a date with doesn’t like or agree with you immediately get dubbed the slut, the bitch, the crazy, the overly sensitive…they go from telling you they are beautiful to calling you a crazy psycho bitch in less than 30 seconds.

 

Now I am not knocking the dating scene, or first dates, on-line dating, or anything that involves dating. Like I said, I do enjoy the random outing, but I am more and more amazed at the reactions I get from guys when I tell them something they don’t want to hear. The list of things they usually get upset with……

1)      You are really nice, and thank you for the date, but I really think I should go home instead of going back to your place

2)      Well I have only known you for less than a day really, I don’t think being your girlfriend right now is a good idea

3)      I like to take my time and get to know a person before I become romantically involved with a person

4)      The first date was fun, but I don’t think you are what I am looking for in a relationship

 

Actual responses to these statements

1)      I thought you were fun and easy going not a stuck up bitch

2)      I thought we were really great together, we had so much fun. I guess I was wrong about you though, you just aren’t up to par of what a perfect woman should be

3)      Does that mean you play the field and sleep around, because I don’t date whores

4)      Fine, whatever, go sleep with all those other ass bags who treat you like crap. You probably like them for that anyways, sluts normally do.

Talk about defensive, crazy critical…..and RUDE!!

 

I know your reaction might be….”Jessica, why are you taking this so seriously?” Well, to be honest I am not taking it to heart, but I think I am more amazed at how many times this has happened in the last three years of me being single. This isn’t a onetime thing, this has happened repeatedly. Those men who swear they are the last gentleman alive, but then call you a total bitch and whore because you didn’t sleep with them. It seriously boggles my MIND!!!

 

The truth of the matter, I don’t need a man to be happy. I don’t need to lock down a boyfriend ASAP to make myself feel fulfilled. I don’t need someone else telling me who I am, and how I should  live my life, and that they think I am a shitty person. I know who I am, and I won’t apologize for also knowing what I want.

 

I am a single woman.

I am independent.

I am happy…and no one can take that away from me.

Short Story: Evil Butterflies Part 2

Alright my favorite peeps! Part two of my little short story.  Hope you enjoy!

Evil Butterflies Part 2

Damon

My Leg shook of its own volition, the meeting was taking way too long. I had finally pulled together enough courage to ask her out even though it wasn’t technically the type of outing I originally had in mind. She said yes, which is the only thing that matters, but now she might up and leave if this meeting didn’t end anytime soon. My head began to bob in rhythm of my bouncing leg, I was more than anxious to get out of the production meeting but my boss couldn’t seem to put a stopper on his rapid flow of words. I wasn’t the only one ready to bail, several other co-workers stared in glazed boredom of the conversation now floating around the overly bright conference room.

I couldn’t help but glance through the hazy glass wall into the studio area. It hadn’t been extremely conscious, but from my exact spot I could just make out the back of Grace’s head from across the building. Her pink and green bag sat next to her packed with her days supplies, but her head bobbed to a silent tune as she stared at the bright screen of her desk top. It eased my mind a bit knowing she was still there, waiting for me, but at the same time my insides wanted to rip my body to shreds at the idea that she had been waiting for me to finish this damn meeting for the last hour and a half.

My mind shifted directions away from my anxiousness and replayed the entire day in its complete awesomeness. I saw her the minute I walked through the front door, she was getting her usual double espresso macchiato in the kitchen before she grabbed a single mini blueberry muffin which she had the habit of pulling off the bottom and saving the tops for last. Her little idiosyncrasies might seem strange to some, but to me they always pulled a smile across my face. It was impossible not to smile when I saw her, for more reasons than I could ever list, but the most important was that she kept me on my toes. Perhaps it didn’t hurt that she had the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen, or that her reddish brown hair fell straight down her back usually landing just below her shoulder blades. I can’t say she is skinny, it wouldn’t be right to label her as a bean pole, but she wasn’t by any means overweight, I would call her curvy where it counts. She had a preference to wearing earth tones which always brought out the sharp yellow fused with the heavy green in her iris’. Her perfume always sent my mind into a jumble of disorientation, it had been almost impossible to focus on anything the entire day with her so close to me, which had purely been my doing. It didn’t make the work faster, she built a model, saved it, I opened the model through a companywide folder, and finished it. But, sitting next to her all day had been a treat.

The entire day would never had happened if I hadn’t arrived early to work today. On happenstance I bumped into her boss while he was on the phone talking about needing a layout for previz finished tonight and he had no idea who would be able to work fast enough to complete it. I actually didn’t know either, but out popped Grace’s name before I even thought about the consequences of what would happen if she failed. Her boss thought about it for a moment, but too busy with other problems he quickly agreed and handed the project file over to me without any protests. “Get it done,” was what he had said before they both walked over to Grace’s desk to drop the bomb on her morning routine.

In all honesty, her work wasn’t the best, but it was far from bad. She was quick and efficient, though some of her topography of quads needed work. She had a habit of making things slightly more complicated or adding to many polygons, but all in all she was fast and got the necessary work completed. It made me nervous watching her work at first, but as the day wore on I couldn’t help but smile as she bobbed to a fro, never breaking away from her screen unless it was absolutely necessary. Perhaps asking her several times about the lighting and the color of his work hadn’t been necessary, but it had her leaning over the mutual desk space pursuing his work more closely. He wouldn’t deny the fantastic view he had received with each cursory glance at his screen, but he was pretty sure his motives had been pure despite his casual glances and slight position fidgeting after she resituated herself back in work mode.

The main bosses throat clearing and shuffling of papers pulled me back from my daydreams into the present. “Is that everything folks?” No one responded, though some nodded with quiet hope that they were finally allowed to vacate the building.

I immediately popped up from my seat and was the first person to exit the room, but I pulled myself back under control as I approached Grace’s work station. “Hey there,” I said slowly before I plopped down in the same spot I had that morning, directly in her bubble of space. Close enough to be close, but far enough away that I wasn’t too overbearing. It was hard not to breathe in every morsel of her, but I was honestly trying to play it cool. I had asked her out for a bite to eat, but it had sounded more like a casual co-worker hang out not a real date. It had been my way of asking without worrying about the rejection of her saying no. Thankfully she had said yes, I was one step closer.

“Hi Damon,” she said sweetly as her eyes pulled away from what she had been working on. I was desperately trying to keep my intentions pure, but when she looked at me like she was it was almost impossible not to want to pull her into the nearest closest and… “That meeting must have been torture.”

“Not too bad, why?”

She smiled sweetly as she began the process of powering down her desktop. “You sure,” she pressed with a smile pulling at the dimples lodged permanently in her cheeks. “You looked like you were about ready to burst in there.”

I bowed my head in embarrassment but tried to pull it off as playing man coy. “Yeah, sometimes those meetings get to be a bit redundant. Besides I’m starving, how about we head out and find some food?”

Her smiling response reach all the way up into her eyes flashing him with the most brilliant expression he had ever seen. “That sounds fantastic,” she breathed out steadily. Perhaps it was just me, or my body running on a high of excitement, but in that single moment I saw a spark ignite in her body that I had never seen before. All day today she had steadily worked, and didn’t pay much attention to me most of the time unless I purposefully pulled her away from her work. It irked me, as much as it pressed me to keep trying. But now, looking into her vivid green eyes I could swear I saw attraction, mutual desire, and a form of intensity that I had never seen before. Intrigued and bewildered is the only way I could possibly describe it, I was hooked in that single moment and I wanted to know more.

“Shall we?” I said stupidly before I jokingly acted gallant by offering her my arm. She happily stepped into my offered embrace and together we walked out the front door. Fresh air assaulted our faces bringing a lash of sage, sea water, and asphalt. It was the smell of our city, and it invigorated my senses even more than they already were.

“What do you feel like eating,” Grace asked from the crook of my shoulder. My hand relaxed over her bare shoulder and it sent a sizzle of excitement ripping through me before it settled in a mash of wild butterflies zooming around at warp speed in the pit of my stomach.

“Tacos,” I said easily.

“That’s easy enough,” she replied with the hint of humor alighting her features at my quick and easy response. It was no lie, I seriously loved tacos, but tonight it was more about comfort of my surroundings. With her I felt all over the place, and I needed something to keep me tied down with a semblance of sanity.

It’s hard to explain why, but at her easy response I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss her. I wouldn’t, not out of the blue like that, but her voice pulled me out of my own self absorbed world into a new one. Something about her just felt right, and I was anxious to see what would happen next. For the moment, I pulled her as close to me as I could allow, and breathed in her delicious scent. Tonight was the first of many, if her smile was any clue to what she thought of us hanging out, I would make this happen as often as possible. Grace was a conundrum, and I would spend as much time as it took to figure out everything about her, I wanted those eyes and that smile for as long as she was willing to give it.

The butterflies took flight once again as she casually wrapped her free arm around my back resting on my opposite hip. Evil butterflies, I thought deliciously, everything about you makes me want your presence again and again.

 

Short Story: Evil Butterflies Part I

Ok so the plan today is to write a short story,  a section from each person's point of view. The prompt: Two people who go about their day to day with in each other's proximity really like each other but neither know how to approach the other. Write about the beginning of their new friendship/ relationship. 

So here is my first half to this little short I call:

Evil Butterflies

Grace

I walk into work and the butterflies surge into my stomach like a flock of birds descending on bread crumbs, they attack me in rolling waves of stomach cramps. They bit down on my sense of ease, clamping away any possibility of acting normal. I am a walking, talking, hollowed doll, a dumbed down version of the normality of myself. And there is only one explanation: Him.

Sitting in my cubicle I press the power button on my sleek black computer and listen as it hums to life. The 30” monitor blasts me with an array of lights and blinking colors, a wake up alert to my foggy morning mind. With the dimmed overheard lighting, and the screened desk light I use for random notes, I can see the pure color and crisp lines of every item displayed on the beautiful display before me. To put every emotion of my day in a nutshell, I love my job, and I can’t see myself living my work life in any other way. For the past four months I have become a necessary asset working on top selling films around the world, I provide my company with state of the art 3D replicas of static objects. Today, I am building a set of cutlery; three forks, spoons, knives, a serving spoon, and a coffee spoon. It would be grilling work. Perhaps it sounds funny, but I love the push and pull of vertices across my screen, the computer manipulation of 3D space. Last week I was building rocks, this week, silverware.

Like I said, I truly love my job. The lax hours of 10am-7pm with some overtime influx practically every week, the fresh bagels and gourmet coffee served every hour in the wide open employee kitchen, the grand lofted ceilings through the main workspace, the enclosed dark quarters of the 3D unit, the rich mahogany floors adorned with fuzzy rugs and floor mats. Work life was perfect, or at least it was until about a month ago.

His name, Damon. He started working here as an intern, but in the last week his skills were so amazing in within the texture department that he moved up insanely quick. Annoyingly, he was eons above me and I had been with the company much longer. Not to complain, I still love what I do, and hopefully soon I will be gifted the opportunity to work with the big wigs, the modeling of main characters and fun objects like cars, crazy effects, and the money shot of a castle. One day I know that will be a reality, but in the meantime, the main texture artist linked to my department and in constant view from my bay of desks, Damon.

His shortly cropped dirty blonde hair was visible almost the entire day, whether he was sitting at his desk in the opposite bay, or he was walking back and forth talking with the wide spread array of art directors, he was everywhere. It was actually amazing he ever got his work done, he walked around so much that it seemed he was never actually at his desk working, but he supplied the work at the end of every week. He was truly an amazing artist, and if I wasn’t so secure in my own position I would be totally jealous.

All normal reasons aside, I love being at work, and I love the atmosphere, but in the last month my inner girl has taken to noticing him more than necessary and it was beginning to annoy me. There was no reason to be so focused on someone that outside of polite hello’s and work conversation had never really paid all that much attention to me. But every time I saw the soft twinkle in his eyes, or when he shot me a quick smirk as he passed by I couldn’t help myself. Inwardly, I swooned every time. It was dumb, and a stupid girl reaction, and even though I knew I was above it, my traitorous girl body gave into his boyish charms.

 As my computer zoomed along to the speed of my constant clicking I heard his voice coming up from behind me growing stronger in tone with every step he took. My stomach clenched down even harder making it difficult to breathe, but outwardly I remained calm. If he didn’t know I was thinking about him, he most definitely would not be allowed to see his effect on me. As the clomping of feet approached my bay area I noticed he was talking to his boss about a shot that needed some extra work, and before I knew it both of the men were upon me.

“Grace, we need your help,” Damon said without any  morning introductions.

His voice was like a spark into my abdomen, immediately I forced my face to rearrange into the pleasant business appearance before turning around to face him. “What can I do for you?”

“We have a few models that we need sketched up really quick for the previs team, but they are loaded down with some stuff at the moment. If I sent over some references do you think you could model up a street scene for us by tonight’s meeting?”

My face went from looking into his bright blue eyes into the dark heavy green of my boss’ stare. Both appeared hopeful if not a little bit worried about my response. “Yeah, if you think I can put what I am working on now on hold for the day.”

“That doesn’t need to be finished until next week, this is more pressing. We need it done today,” Damon said assertively, but in the type of tone that set my heart beat racing to a faster tune. I tried to force myself to calm down, the man I couldn’t stop staring at every chance I got was actually offering me the opportunity I had been working so hard for. My focus varied between his words explaining the bulk of what was needed and the sparkle of blue in his eyes matching the slight boyish smirk I had recently grown so fond of.

“Sound good to you,” he finished with a earth shattering smile. The small chip in his front tooth just completed the picturesque perfection of his looks, it forced an uncomfortable flutter of inner wings to press against my stomach lining.

“Uh huh,” I forced out between a clamped smile.

“Perfect,” my boss finally spoke up. “Damon will check in with you after lunch and go over the finalities of the project tonight if there are any fixes.” The older man maybe 10 years my senior turned on a dime and walked away with a slight pop in his step.

“Thanks Grace, you just saved my ass,” Damon whispered softly before he perched on a small open spot on the edge of my desk space. His subtle woodsy accent floated through my senses and I wasbarely able to suppress the man behind to escape my lips.  He smelled so good,  right there iwanted to bury my fave in the side of his neck and breadth him in for eternity.  Wow,  that was a bit much,  even for me to think.  I tried to ignore the delicious smells invading my space but it was near  impossible.  My cheeks warmed with the realization that this was the first time he had actually sat so close to me,  I could see every fleck of gold  through his ice blue eyes, the effect caused my breathing to quicken.  Suddenly my desk seemed cluttered and unorganized but thankfully the blonde god sitting surprisingly close to my bubble of space didn’t seem to mind so much.

“What do you mean?” I asked thoughtfully, wondering how accepting a last minute glory job was doing anything for anyone else but myself.

“This project was supposed to be done yesterday, but Joey isn’t in today to finish it. So it’s me and you tonight working on it, you modeling and me adding some textures and lighting where  it’s needed for the previz. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to set up shop over here today so it’s easier for us to get this done.”

My tongue lodged in my throat, it was actually amazing I was capable of speech at all. “Yeah, sure. That would be much easier.”

“Awesome,” Damon said with another breathtaking smirk for he ran off to his desk to collect some needed essentials for the long day’s work ahead of them.

So now, not only was I handed a dream job for the day, I was also working side by side with the one man I had not been able to stop thinking about since I met him. I sipped on my delicious cup of morning java and allowed the smile to finally break across my features before turning back toward my monitor and the heaping pile of work before me.

Damon settled in to the desk directly next to mine that for the last four weeks had been empty, it was considered the roaming desk space. I never minded it so much, it allowed me the company of different people with every new project we received, but having Damon sit next to me was so far the best working partner I had the company of sharing so far. He quickly settled in placing his wide mouthed green coffee cup on the coaster provided and plugging in his own Wacom tablet to the side of the computer tower. Before long I realized I was staring at his progress instead of working and hurriedly refocused my attention on my screen in the effort to appear busy.

Appearing busy wasn’t exactly a problem, once I opened the project file I was immediately flooded with an uneasy sense of fear. There were 252 objects that I needed to build, place, and finalize with the head boss before I would be considered done with my day. Suddenly the daunting task seemed more like a critical challenge, and more than anything I loved the opportunity to complete a really good challenge.

Time flew by in flurry of quick keys, drop down menus, and rendering options, but just outside of 14 hours I had completed the project file of objects up for the first round of reviews. Leaning back in my chair I indulged in a long cat like stretch completely forgetting for the moment who was sitting right next to me.

“Don’t tell me you are done already,” Damon’s voice floated over to me with a mixture of sleepiness and focus weaved in his softer tone.

My eyes flicked over in his direction and I immediately dropped my arms back down to my lap. Shoot! I was wearing a tank top, and at the moment I wasn’t positive if I had shaved under my arms that morning. Did he see that? Or worse after the grueling day, did I smell so bad that he could smell the offensive stench?

“Um, I think the bulk of it is done,” I thought worriedly. What if I had gone to fast? He was about almost done himself with the texturing of the objects I had supplied, but still it wouldn’t be good if he thought my work wasn’t up to par.

“Well, from what I have seen everything looks great, I am almost done here myself.” He turned back to his monitor and hit the quick keys to save his work before turning back to my desk were my eyes had remained glued to the side of his face. “Hey so after the meeting I have in…” he glanced down at his watch instead of turning around to look at his desk clock. “About ten minutes, would you want to go grab a bite to eat. I haven’t really had an actual meal today have you?”

I could feel the gaping hole of my mouth wide open at his words and quickly tried to reign in control of my bodily functions. Mouth closed, think, decipher his words, reply. Oh my god did he just ask me out on a date? “I had a bag of chips about 6 hours ago,” I replied, immediately regretting the words altogether.

“That doesn’t really equal a solid meal.”

“No it doesn’t,” I said quickly offering up a small smile.

“Let’s get a real me, on me tonight. If this carries into tomorrow, maybe I will force you to buy us dinner tomorrow night,” Damon said with a sharp wink. Two dates! He just asked her out on two technical dates in less than five minutes.

“Yeah, I think that could work for me.”

His smile in response to my words had my bones melting into jelly. Perhaps this day was going to be more than just a good work day, perhaps tonight would be one of the best nights of my life.

(Stay tuned to hear Damon’s side of this fun little short…)