Friday, September 26, 2014
The Graceful Truth: Part IX
Hope is vastly delusional; to the point of ridiculousness if you ask my honest opinion. Hope seems to think that things will just work out all perfectly, there won't be snags or missteps because life is perfect if you allow it to be. It's B.S. I tell you, and no amount of optimism could prepare you for what life truly hurls in your direction. Things like love.
There is another side to hope, another side to what you see in your life and what you are wanting to see. Hope is a product of want and desire, want is a product of personal need. Sometimes what you want is really not what you need, and even though your mind is screaming at you to run away at all costs, your damn bloody heart gets in the way stating it’s THIS or NOTHING!
Sitting in my hotel room wringing my fingers together as I shamelessly watched the clock tick by minute after minute I had a moment of extreme clarity. It was strange actually, light really did just flicker in front of my eyes and I was able to look past the screaming desires of my heart to actually listen to my mind for a second. That one single second changed absolutely everything.
A sharp knock sounded from the door and my entire body froze. He was here. I didn’t move right away, actually I sort of stumbled into movement as my mind screamed at me internally to “DO SOMETHING.” One leg in front of the other, righting the green silky dress I had yet to take off as I walked, I approached the door like the main actor in a scary movie; extremely aware of the terror and pain located on the opposite side but willing to look at it anyways.
His smile was breathtaking. His eyes flicked up to mine as I pulled the door open and the soft brown hue that I had once loved so much took in my full appearance one achingly slow second at a time. Pulling a crisp white rose from behind his back that looked far more beautiful in his hand than it had tucked into the wedding center pieces at the reception, I smiled back at him with what I hoped looked sweet and collected not panicked and packed with nerves.
“Can I come in?”
The second he crossed the threshold I knew he wasn't here to stay, though whether that be because of his desires or mine, I knew he wouldn't be there long. There was a calming finality to it giving me the chance to breathe deep for once in his presence.
There wasn't a grand moment of understanding, not even a hint of complete understanding put into thought. I hate to disappoint you but truly there was nothing but time that led me slowly to this final conclusion.
Trying to keep Kellan in my life the way he had once been was like trying to fit into my high school prom dress from ten years ago when I was thirty pounds lighter. No amount of squeezing, tucking, or yanking would make him fit into my life. Not that I didn't love him, I would always love him. Nothing would dull the moments of our lives that were great, nothing would take away those wonderful memories and there is no way that I would want them gone. But we had our moment in the sun, and every small moment after trying to recapture what once was, was our way of searching for something we knew we wanted but had yet to find.
In him I saw a future, but the future I wanted to live wasn't actually with him. The realization must have been written all over my face because the expression he held read as pained understanding. He was in the same boat as I and it finally came time to admit it.
He hesitated in the doorway now unsure if it was a good idea to come in, but I stepped aside silently giving him the ok to enter without it suddenly becoming weird.
“Guess we both knew this would happen eventually, didn't we?”
I smiled in response knowing he was right. I chased him first, and he ran. Then he chased me and I fell into his arms. It was a beautiful world for a tiny sliver of time, but eventually I ran and no amount of chasing would have ever brought me back to where we had started. My chasing him had been futile. I had never really been after him, only the idea of what he had once been to me. It was far past time to move on, move forward, and find that man that I so rightfully deserved to be with and who so rightfully deserved to be with me.
Together we wandered out onto the balcony, him slipping a menthol into my hands before lighting the end for me to inhale. Sweet smoky bliss filled my lungs and on my exhale I finally felt completely at peace.
“I think I owe you an apology for how long I let this drag out. I should have seen this sooner. You obviously did.”
He didn’t respond to me right away. Instead he lit his own regular cigarette and contemplated the scenery surrounding the hotel like it was the most important view he had ever had the chance to see. “Just because I saw it, doesn’t mean I listened to it. I wanted you back too. There was always a reason not to leap in though, and I think now I finally realize why.”
I nodded silently. We both saw us for what we were; a couple of friends once madly in love that grew up and grew apart.
It sounds sad I know, but truly it’s not. Not for me. It was a moment I needed to experience no matter how much the process hurt. I never said this was a happy story, but I don’t mean it to be sad either. Love is evil and I warned you, but love is also a patient teacher, a blazing heat to remind you of what can be possible and a cold shoulder when it demands you see more than you do. You can hate love and all the negative grueling hours of loneliness, or you can accept the fact that finding true love no matter how short lived is always worth the pain and suffering. Love is absolutely worth everything you have to give, and it’s never afraid to remind you of its purpose.
The truth is muddled in with the greys and blacks slapped over the pristine white of your life; Love will show you what you’re truly made of, show you what it means to live. My advice to you is to embrace it, because escaping it and its wild torrential storm of emotions is absolutely impossible.
I know you asked me for a happy ending, I know I promised you one, but the graceful truth is that happiness is fluid within life and an ending that ends happily doesn't exist. Doesn't mean we can't live happily, find happiness, and experience the pure joy of what life, love, and experience can offer.
I found my Graceful Truth...have you found yours?