Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Graceful Truth: Part VIII

It amazes me how many times I feel utterly alone. Standing in a crowd of friends and family and I feel ostracized from every single one of them. Sitting in my desk chair at work listening to the soft hum of the air conditioning knowing there are co-workers less than 20 feet from me but the air is so still I can hear myself breathing. Late at night when I cuddle up to my puppy, his warmth and comfort of a heart beat is the only thing that makes me feel like I wanted.

The truth is I am not alone, not really. But the feeling of it is too overwhelming to look past. I have many options of people in my life, I am lucky to know so many wonderful people. But I bet those people feel alone too. The married ones, the engaged ones, the ones in fresh relationships and the ones that have been with their partner for years. It takes only a few moments and a few hard days to feel like an outsider of a world you are so used to.

I like being busy because it keeps my mind from the vacant moments. How many nights have a read myself to sleep? Watched entire tv shows alone with no one to talk to them about?

In the back of my mind I scream at myself to stop being so damn dramatic. "You have plenty of friends, what's with the oh poor me stint?" I can't answer that because I have no idea where this melodramatic attitude stems from. Do you know what I mean? I hope you do, because there are days I seriously want to smack myself for the way that I feel.

When I answer his phone call I feel alone, abandoned, broken, decrepit. I feel lost and heartbroken. I feel like the world has swallowed me up whole and there is no way out of it. I am gone. I am in the black abyss of nothingness.

For the longest time I have only ever wanted to feel wanted by someone. I just want someone to look at me the way he used to. I want to know that there is something in this life other than the quiet click of my bedroom light and the cold sheets I climb into alone every night. Do you feel this way? Perhaps maybe I am alone in this too.

"Gracie I want to come see you."

I know I should hang up, I know I should tell him no but I don't. I say yes, because being alone is too painful. "Being with him won't be much better," the voice from the back of my mind screams at me. But I ignore my reasoning, and tell him the number to my hotel room. At least I won't be alone.