I’m sitting at a bar with a couple of my friends, and an attractive guy walks up to me and offers to buy me a drink. One of my guy friends leans over and whispers, “That is so not fair. What a double standard. I’m sitting here by myself and hot girls aren’t buying me any drinks.” I smiled at my friend, offered to buy him a drink to shut him up in a friendly way, and we go on with our evening.
I chuckle a little bit when men mention the double standard to me because in a lot of respects I feel that women get the short end of the stick when it comes to the dating scene. Of course men are welcome to argue with me, I would even love to hear their side, but first you should hear my side.
As a single woman I am on the constant search for “the one” and no I’m not talking about Neo. The one is the guy that fills the slot of “man of our dreams” the fantasy fairy tale man that we were all force fed actually existed when we were little girls. Some man is supposed to come sweep us off our feet and all we have to do is flaunt our bodies, primp our goods, and pretend we are everything he wants us to be…right? HELL NO!! I am a single INDEPENDENT woman and if I am READY to find a man to share a life with me I have no problem looking for him myself. “But Jess, you should just live your life and be happy. The right man will find you.”
No, I’m sorry that is BS and you know it. Why do I have to wait for him to come find me, why can’t I go find him myself? Here is one that never made sense to me….If I sit and wait and act like I am a perfect woman, the woman of this man’s dreams, he will then want me. BUT…if I seek the same man out, he will see me as needy, I give him the power, therefore he won’t see me as his perfect woman. Ugh, how depressing and exhausting. I’ve read in books that men need to see us women as a challenge, but in order for it to be a challenge us women must sit around and wait for mister perfect to get off his lazy man ass and come find me….ME…his damn perfect woman sitting alongside a BAJILLION other women doing the exact SAME THING!!!! Doesn’t this infuriate anyone else??!!??!?!?! Well, not like I can change the biology of how men think, I just don’t agree with it…at all. (Maybe that’s why you are still single ::the tiny voice in the distance whispers rudely at me:: Shut up voice, no one asked you!)
Now, on my search for THE ONE, I have found there are SO SO SO many toads, and pigs, and alligators, and walruses, and snakes, and over aggressive lions, and weasels, and little fresh birdies….you have any idea how many damn dates I have to go on to find a DECENT man? A man, I mean it, not a boy, not a little kid dressed like a man, and not a man that says he’s a man and somewhat sorta acts like a man but does drugs like he is a teenage rebel without a cause. The answer to that question is WAY TO MANY! So…again I am sitting at that bar with my close group of friends and someone asks my guy friend, “So man how did that date go last week?” And his response, “Which one?” They laugh and joke, call him THE MAN and congratulate him on his macho show of manliness. He had three dates in one week, bravo sir, absolutely bravo.
The double standard…I had two dates that same week and the response I get, “Honey, you really should take more time for yourself. Stop caring so much about finding the right guy, you should just do things that make you happy and not worry about dating so much.” And this was all said in the same night! Why does my guy friend get the congrats when I get a pat on the back in a fashion of, “oh honey, you are trying too hard, you look so desperate.” How is that even fair? My friend is doing the same thing that I am, looking for someone to share adventures with, looking for a person that is like me, that I can discover new things with. Why is it that men go on a handful of dates and look like Joe Cool, whereas I go on two dates and I look like a desperate aging woman? I don’t date because I am desperate for a man, and I don’t date because I hate being single. I actually love being single, it’s complete freedom and totally exhilarating, but I dare you to find more than a handful of engaged couples you are even a little bit wanting to dive back into the dating scene. We all agree, it sucks, but we do it because we want to find our person. In a friend group of mostly couples, it would be nice to have my own cuddle buddy, and my own dinner and movie partner. The only people who don’t understand this are people who are in a long term relationships and forget (or don’t even know) what it’s like to be single for longer than a year.
This is where the people reading this will either think, “Preach it SISTER!!!” or the other side will think, “Man, all you do is complain complain complain. Such a feminist.” There is a line, and most people cross it, with me I see it in massive ranges of color not black and white. Just because I am a girl doesn’t mean there are specified rules of how to do this. I do things my own way, and yes maybe that is why I am still single, or maybe it’s because I live in LOS ANGELES surrounded by men who are only looking for the next best thing. Some great advice I got from a close friend of mine was, “it’s a numbers game. There are thousands out there that would give you more than the time of day. Go out there and find them yourself, guaranteed the right one will show you he is worth your time.” I think she is right. Now…off to hunt in the wild jungle of Los AnHELLes.