Remember how I said the first time I met him I didn’t
feel any sparks or violent earth shaking quakes? This time was totally
different. It felt like a massive volcanic vortex opened up beneath my feet and
I was on a shaky plastic perch just over the open trench of doom. Heat engulfed
my entire body and my stomach completely tried to desert me by jumping out of
my throat. My heart galloped into over drive super speed forcing sweat to pour
from my skin like Niagara falls. It wasn’t pretty.
When his eyes clashed with mine I felt the entire world
shift, but I was the only one affected by it. His soft brown eyes only linked
with mine for a moment and a small smile slipped across his features before
they pulled away again to focus more clearly on the pictures being taken.
The whirlwind encapsulating me petered out to a gentle
hum and I was left shaken, sweaty, and breathless. From one single look! Thank
God he didn’t actually say something to me or I would have been panting on my
knees begging for a defibrillator.
The feeling of being swallowed whole wasn’t a new one,
not around him at least. For the most part I felt shaky in my knees every time
I saw him, but this one moment in particular I swore that the world would never
be the same for me unless he was there in it with me.
Before we were even a serious couple, before things
really took off, he had to leave for a weekend trip up north. I dropped him off
at the train station and tried not to cry as I waved him off. That weekend was
one of the worst weekends of my life. It was miserable being without him. Even
in the day of texting, phone conversations, skype, and everything. I missed the
taste of his skin, the heat of his body, the warmth of his smile, the blaze of
desire running through his eyes before they twinkled with softer emotions.
When he returned a few days later I was back at the
train station in my absolute best attire. I spent extra time on my hair, extra
minutes on perfecting my makeup. I wanted to be what he needed. The second he
walked out onto the train platform it felt like I was in a movie. Time slowed
to a crawl when our eyes spotted each other from across the busy space of
hustling bodies. I gasped as I felt a crashing vortex slam against me. By the
time we reached each other I was a goner.
My heart slammed against my chest strumming a cadence I
had never felt before, my face ached deliciously from how wide I was smiling
and my eyes burned with the desire to cry salty sweet tears. I didn’t need to
be rescued from the whirling sensation because his hands were all I needed to
keep me up, his body was all I needed to keep me steady.
That changed when he walked away. Actually it’s more
appropriate to say I shoved him away and he listened to me even though he begged
me not to do it. Honestly what did I know, I was a damn idiot. I had everything
I ever wanted in the palm of my hand and I tossed it away at the earliest sign
of struggle.
Sure I can blame it on age, on distance, on the fact
that I wasn’t ready; but the truth is that I was ready, and I was scared. I
have never been one able to deal with commitment, and the certainty of him completely
terrified me.
So now I’m sitting inside the large white reception tent
clutching the small plastic card with my name on it. Miss Grace Parker. It’s
nice to see the three letter prefix, like it wasn’t already half impossible to
go to a wedding filled with couples and realize you are practically the only
Miss in the entire party. I contemplate getting up and leaving, I already did
my duty as his friend. I came to the ceremony like he had asked me to, I didn’t
really need to stay.
I didn’t move though, I knew I wouldn’t. Despite the
angst of frustration coiling in my belly I knew I wouldn’t leave, not without
speaking to him first. Not without saying my final good bye. Not without
knowing the decision I made so very long ago was still the right one.
Should I have the chicken at this damn wedding, or the
fish? I can’t decide. I am going to have the champagne though, keep that one
coming.
No comments:
Post a Comment