Short Story: Evil Butterflies Part 2

Alright my favorite peeps! Part two of my little short story.  Hope you enjoy!

Evil Butterflies Part 2

Damon

My Leg shook of its own volition, the meeting was taking way too long. I had finally pulled together enough courage to ask her out even though it wasn’t technically the type of outing I originally had in mind. She said yes, which is the only thing that matters, but now she might up and leave if this meeting didn’t end anytime soon. My head began to bob in rhythm of my bouncing leg, I was more than anxious to get out of the production meeting but my boss couldn’t seem to put a stopper on his rapid flow of words. I wasn’t the only one ready to bail, several other co-workers stared in glazed boredom of the conversation now floating around the overly bright conference room.

I couldn’t help but glance through the hazy glass wall into the studio area. It hadn’t been extremely conscious, but from my exact spot I could just make out the back of Grace’s head from across the building. Her pink and green bag sat next to her packed with her days supplies, but her head bobbed to a silent tune as she stared at the bright screen of her desk top. It eased my mind a bit knowing she was still there, waiting for me, but at the same time my insides wanted to rip my body to shreds at the idea that she had been waiting for me to finish this damn meeting for the last hour and a half.

My mind shifted directions away from my anxiousness and replayed the entire day in its complete awesomeness. I saw her the minute I walked through the front door, she was getting her usual double espresso macchiato in the kitchen before she grabbed a single mini blueberry muffin which she had the habit of pulling off the bottom and saving the tops for last. Her little idiosyncrasies might seem strange to some, but to me they always pulled a smile across my face. It was impossible not to smile when I saw her, for more reasons than I could ever list, but the most important was that she kept me on my toes. Perhaps it didn’t hurt that she had the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen, or that her reddish brown hair fell straight down her back usually landing just below her shoulder blades. I can’t say she is skinny, it wouldn’t be right to label her as a bean pole, but she wasn’t by any means overweight, I would call her curvy where it counts. She had a preference to wearing earth tones which always brought out the sharp yellow fused with the heavy green in her iris’. Her perfume always sent my mind into a jumble of disorientation, it had been almost impossible to focus on anything the entire day with her so close to me, which had purely been my doing. It didn’t make the work faster, she built a model, saved it, I opened the model through a companywide folder, and finished it. But, sitting next to her all day had been a treat.

The entire day would never had happened if I hadn’t arrived early to work today. On happenstance I bumped into her boss while he was on the phone talking about needing a layout for previz finished tonight and he had no idea who would be able to work fast enough to complete it. I actually didn’t know either, but out popped Grace’s name before I even thought about the consequences of what would happen if she failed. Her boss thought about it for a moment, but too busy with other problems he quickly agreed and handed the project file over to me without any protests. “Get it done,” was what he had said before they both walked over to Grace’s desk to drop the bomb on her morning routine.

In all honesty, her work wasn’t the best, but it was far from bad. She was quick and efficient, though some of her topography of quads needed work. She had a habit of making things slightly more complicated or adding to many polygons, but all in all she was fast and got the necessary work completed. It made me nervous watching her work at first, but as the day wore on I couldn’t help but smile as she bobbed to a fro, never breaking away from her screen unless it was absolutely necessary. Perhaps asking her several times about the lighting and the color of his work hadn’t been necessary, but it had her leaning over the mutual desk space pursuing his work more closely. He wouldn’t deny the fantastic view he had received with each cursory glance at his screen, but he was pretty sure his motives had been pure despite his casual glances and slight position fidgeting after she resituated herself back in work mode.

The main bosses throat clearing and shuffling of papers pulled me back from my daydreams into the present. “Is that everything folks?” No one responded, though some nodded with quiet hope that they were finally allowed to vacate the building.

I immediately popped up from my seat and was the first person to exit the room, but I pulled myself back under control as I approached Grace’s work station. “Hey there,” I said slowly before I plopped down in the same spot I had that morning, directly in her bubble of space. Close enough to be close, but far enough away that I wasn’t too overbearing. It was hard not to breathe in every morsel of her, but I was honestly trying to play it cool. I had asked her out for a bite to eat, but it had sounded more like a casual co-worker hang out not a real date. It had been my way of asking without worrying about the rejection of her saying no. Thankfully she had said yes, I was one step closer.

“Hi Damon,” she said sweetly as her eyes pulled away from what she had been working on. I was desperately trying to keep my intentions pure, but when she looked at me like she was it was almost impossible not to want to pull her into the nearest closest and… “That meeting must have been torture.”

“Not too bad, why?”

She smiled sweetly as she began the process of powering down her desktop. “You sure,” she pressed with a smile pulling at the dimples lodged permanently in her cheeks. “You looked like you were about ready to burst in there.”

I bowed my head in embarrassment but tried to pull it off as playing man coy. “Yeah, sometimes those meetings get to be a bit redundant. Besides I’m starving, how about we head out and find some food?”

Her smiling response reach all the way up into her eyes flashing him with the most brilliant expression he had ever seen. “That sounds fantastic,” she breathed out steadily. Perhaps it was just me, or my body running on a high of excitement, but in that single moment I saw a spark ignite in her body that I had never seen before. All day today she had steadily worked, and didn’t pay much attention to me most of the time unless I purposefully pulled her away from her work. It irked me, as much as it pressed me to keep trying. But now, looking into her vivid green eyes I could swear I saw attraction, mutual desire, and a form of intensity that I had never seen before. Intrigued and bewildered is the only way I could possibly describe it, I was hooked in that single moment and I wanted to know more.

“Shall we?” I said stupidly before I jokingly acted gallant by offering her my arm. She happily stepped into my offered embrace and together we walked out the front door. Fresh air assaulted our faces bringing a lash of sage, sea water, and asphalt. It was the smell of our city, and it invigorated my senses even more than they already were.

“What do you feel like eating,” Grace asked from the crook of my shoulder. My hand relaxed over her bare shoulder and it sent a sizzle of excitement ripping through me before it settled in a mash of wild butterflies zooming around at warp speed in the pit of my stomach.

“Tacos,” I said easily.

“That’s easy enough,” she replied with the hint of humor alighting her features at my quick and easy response. It was no lie, I seriously loved tacos, but tonight it was more about comfort of my surroundings. With her I felt all over the place, and I needed something to keep me tied down with a semblance of sanity.

It’s hard to explain why, but at her easy response I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss her. I wouldn’t, not out of the blue like that, but her voice pulled me out of my own self absorbed world into a new one. Something about her just felt right, and I was anxious to see what would happen next. For the moment, I pulled her as close to me as I could allow, and breathed in her delicious scent. Tonight was the first of many, if her smile was any clue to what she thought of us hanging out, I would make this happen as often as possible. Grace was a conundrum, and I would spend as much time as it took to figure out everything about her, I wanted those eyes and that smile for as long as she was willing to give it.

The butterflies took flight once again as she casually wrapped her free arm around my back resting on my opposite hip. Evil butterflies, I thought deliciously, everything about you makes me want your presence again and again.

 

Short Story: Evil Butterflies Part I

Ok so the plan today is to write a short story,  a section from each person's point of view. The prompt: Two people who go about their day to day with in each other's proximity really like each other but neither know how to approach the other. Write about the beginning of their new friendship/ relationship. 

So here is my first half to this little short I call:

Evil Butterflies

Grace

I walk into work and the butterflies surge into my stomach like a flock of birds descending on bread crumbs, they attack me in rolling waves of stomach cramps. They bit down on my sense of ease, clamping away any possibility of acting normal. I am a walking, talking, hollowed doll, a dumbed down version of the normality of myself. And there is only one explanation: Him.

Sitting in my cubicle I press the power button on my sleek black computer and listen as it hums to life. The 30” monitor blasts me with an array of lights and blinking colors, a wake up alert to my foggy morning mind. With the dimmed overheard lighting, and the screened desk light I use for random notes, I can see the pure color and crisp lines of every item displayed on the beautiful display before me. To put every emotion of my day in a nutshell, I love my job, and I can’t see myself living my work life in any other way. For the past four months I have become a necessary asset working on top selling films around the world, I provide my company with state of the art 3D replicas of static objects. Today, I am building a set of cutlery; three forks, spoons, knives, a serving spoon, and a coffee spoon. It would be grilling work. Perhaps it sounds funny, but I love the push and pull of vertices across my screen, the computer manipulation of 3D space. Last week I was building rocks, this week, silverware.

Like I said, I truly love my job. The lax hours of 10am-7pm with some overtime influx practically every week, the fresh bagels and gourmet coffee served every hour in the wide open employee kitchen, the grand lofted ceilings through the main workspace, the enclosed dark quarters of the 3D unit, the rich mahogany floors adorned with fuzzy rugs and floor mats. Work life was perfect, or at least it was until about a month ago.

His name, Damon. He started working here as an intern, but in the last week his skills were so amazing in within the texture department that he moved up insanely quick. Annoyingly, he was eons above me and I had been with the company much longer. Not to complain, I still love what I do, and hopefully soon I will be gifted the opportunity to work with the big wigs, the modeling of main characters and fun objects like cars, crazy effects, and the money shot of a castle. One day I know that will be a reality, but in the meantime, the main texture artist linked to my department and in constant view from my bay of desks, Damon.

His shortly cropped dirty blonde hair was visible almost the entire day, whether he was sitting at his desk in the opposite bay, or he was walking back and forth talking with the wide spread array of art directors, he was everywhere. It was actually amazing he ever got his work done, he walked around so much that it seemed he was never actually at his desk working, but he supplied the work at the end of every week. He was truly an amazing artist, and if I wasn’t so secure in my own position I would be totally jealous.

All normal reasons aside, I love being at work, and I love the atmosphere, but in the last month my inner girl has taken to noticing him more than necessary and it was beginning to annoy me. There was no reason to be so focused on someone that outside of polite hello’s and work conversation had never really paid all that much attention to me. But every time I saw the soft twinkle in his eyes, or when he shot me a quick smirk as he passed by I couldn’t help myself. Inwardly, I swooned every time. It was dumb, and a stupid girl reaction, and even though I knew I was above it, my traitorous girl body gave into his boyish charms.

 As my computer zoomed along to the speed of my constant clicking I heard his voice coming up from behind me growing stronger in tone with every step he took. My stomach clenched down even harder making it difficult to breathe, but outwardly I remained calm. If he didn’t know I was thinking about him, he most definitely would not be allowed to see his effect on me. As the clomping of feet approached my bay area I noticed he was talking to his boss about a shot that needed some extra work, and before I knew it both of the men were upon me.

“Grace, we need your help,” Damon said without any  morning introductions.

His voice was like a spark into my abdomen, immediately I forced my face to rearrange into the pleasant business appearance before turning around to face him. “What can I do for you?”

“We have a few models that we need sketched up really quick for the previs team, but they are loaded down with some stuff at the moment. If I sent over some references do you think you could model up a street scene for us by tonight’s meeting?”

My face went from looking into his bright blue eyes into the dark heavy green of my boss’ stare. Both appeared hopeful if not a little bit worried about my response. “Yeah, if you think I can put what I am working on now on hold for the day.”

“That doesn’t need to be finished until next week, this is more pressing. We need it done today,” Damon said assertively, but in the type of tone that set my heart beat racing to a faster tune. I tried to force myself to calm down, the man I couldn’t stop staring at every chance I got was actually offering me the opportunity I had been working so hard for. My focus varied between his words explaining the bulk of what was needed and the sparkle of blue in his eyes matching the slight boyish smirk I had recently grown so fond of.

“Sound good to you,” he finished with a earth shattering smile. The small chip in his front tooth just completed the picturesque perfection of his looks, it forced an uncomfortable flutter of inner wings to press against my stomach lining.

“Uh huh,” I forced out between a clamped smile.

“Perfect,” my boss finally spoke up. “Damon will check in with you after lunch and go over the finalities of the project tonight if there are any fixes.” The older man maybe 10 years my senior turned on a dime and walked away with a slight pop in his step.

“Thanks Grace, you just saved my ass,” Damon whispered softly before he perched on a small open spot on the edge of my desk space. His subtle woodsy accent floated through my senses and I wasbarely able to suppress the man behind to escape my lips.  He smelled so good,  right there iwanted to bury my fave in the side of his neck and breadth him in for eternity.  Wow,  that was a bit much,  even for me to think.  I tried to ignore the delicious smells invading my space but it was near  impossible.  My cheeks warmed with the realization that this was the first time he had actually sat so close to me,  I could see every fleck of gold  through his ice blue eyes, the effect caused my breathing to quicken.  Suddenly my desk seemed cluttered and unorganized but thankfully the blonde god sitting surprisingly close to my bubble of space didn’t seem to mind so much.

“What do you mean?” I asked thoughtfully, wondering how accepting a last minute glory job was doing anything for anyone else but myself.

“This project was supposed to be done yesterday, but Joey isn’t in today to finish it. So it’s me and you tonight working on it, you modeling and me adding some textures and lighting where  it’s needed for the previz. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to set up shop over here today so it’s easier for us to get this done.”

My tongue lodged in my throat, it was actually amazing I was capable of speech at all. “Yeah, sure. That would be much easier.”

“Awesome,” Damon said with another breathtaking smirk for he ran off to his desk to collect some needed essentials for the long day’s work ahead of them.

So now, not only was I handed a dream job for the day, I was also working side by side with the one man I had not been able to stop thinking about since I met him. I sipped on my delicious cup of morning java and allowed the smile to finally break across my features before turning back toward my monitor and the heaping pile of work before me.

Damon settled in to the desk directly next to mine that for the last four weeks had been empty, it was considered the roaming desk space. I never minded it so much, it allowed me the company of different people with every new project we received, but having Damon sit next to me was so far the best working partner I had the company of sharing so far. He quickly settled in placing his wide mouthed green coffee cup on the coaster provided and plugging in his own Wacom tablet to the side of the computer tower. Before long I realized I was staring at his progress instead of working and hurriedly refocused my attention on my screen in the effort to appear busy.

Appearing busy wasn’t exactly a problem, once I opened the project file I was immediately flooded with an uneasy sense of fear. There were 252 objects that I needed to build, place, and finalize with the head boss before I would be considered done with my day. Suddenly the daunting task seemed more like a critical challenge, and more than anything I loved the opportunity to complete a really good challenge.

Time flew by in flurry of quick keys, drop down menus, and rendering options, but just outside of 14 hours I had completed the project file of objects up for the first round of reviews. Leaning back in my chair I indulged in a long cat like stretch completely forgetting for the moment who was sitting right next to me.

“Don’t tell me you are done already,” Damon’s voice floated over to me with a mixture of sleepiness and focus weaved in his softer tone.

My eyes flicked over in his direction and I immediately dropped my arms back down to my lap. Shoot! I was wearing a tank top, and at the moment I wasn’t positive if I had shaved under my arms that morning. Did he see that? Or worse after the grueling day, did I smell so bad that he could smell the offensive stench?

“Um, I think the bulk of it is done,” I thought worriedly. What if I had gone to fast? He was about almost done himself with the texturing of the objects I had supplied, but still it wouldn’t be good if he thought my work wasn’t up to par.

“Well, from what I have seen everything looks great, I am almost done here myself.” He turned back to his monitor and hit the quick keys to save his work before turning back to my desk were my eyes had remained glued to the side of his face. “Hey so after the meeting I have in…” he glanced down at his watch instead of turning around to look at his desk clock. “About ten minutes, would you want to go grab a bite to eat. I haven’t really had an actual meal today have you?”

I could feel the gaping hole of my mouth wide open at his words and quickly tried to reign in control of my bodily functions. Mouth closed, think, decipher his words, reply. Oh my god did he just ask me out on a date? “I had a bag of chips about 6 hours ago,” I replied, immediately regretting the words altogether.

“That doesn’t really equal a solid meal.”

“No it doesn’t,” I said quickly offering up a small smile.

“Let’s get a real me, on me tonight. If this carries into tomorrow, maybe I will force you to buy us dinner tomorrow night,” Damon said with a sharp wink. Two dates! He just asked her out on two technical dates in less than five minutes.

“Yeah, I think that could work for me.”

His smile in response to my words had my bones melting into jelly. Perhaps this day was going to be more than just a good work day, perhaps tonight would be one of the best nights of my life.

(Stay tuned to hear Damon’s side of this fun little short…)

This must remain extremely HUSH HUSH

I never once thought this would happen to me so soon, but this morning I woke up to the chilling realization that information I used in my novel is ON DISPLAY!! Now, I have to preface this by saying that I use terms, names, references that are completely public domain. I have no actual right to say they are my own, but I want to also say that over the last year of writing these terms and references have become a part of my world in my Manny. So, when I see something out in the open for all to see I have a moment of EXTREME PANIC!!

Which ofcourse looks something like this............

Then I reformulate my thoughts (after a text freak out to my bestie saying things like "what the hell?! Can you believe this!? And being the awesome bestie that she is, she agrees with me, then tells me all will be fine and I come back down to earth again). It's amazing to me how intensely I feel about a fictional story, but to me these characters and emotions that I write about are real. I feel them, I feel their struggle and their pain. In a lot of ways that I never understood before, a lot of my writing reflects the problems I have gone through in my life. Ofcourse, I bet practically every author comes to this conclusion, and they use their writing in their own way to flesh out their own problems, and solve them in a fictitious way that actually helps in an inward mental process of healing.

Needless to say I have come to terms with this small FREAK OUT, and I know that I need to keep most of my story extremely hush hush to keep this from happening again. So, with that in mind, I regret to tell you that I can't tell you a single tiny little detail about the awesomeness of this story, but I am completely dying to share it with all of you. I promise I am writing like a maniac to get it done, I want it out there as much as some of you want to read it. I hope when it comes time that you enjoy it as much as I have writing it!!

Side note...I no longer look like I am in an extreme panic, now I am more writing like a banshee...though its slightly difficult at the moment....PUG....

 It's not so easy to type when I have puppy all over my hands....

But The Dude does not seem to care.....

Back to the Manny, the first draft is almost complete! I am hoping to have my first draft read through by January, I can't wait :)

Characters are everywhere...

Characters in everyday life. I swear I never go a day without walking into a situation where I think, “holy hell, you would make a great character in a novel!” Not really because that person has a super interesting life, though that may be a possibility, and not really because they have a great story. It’s more about the character themselves, the little nuances that make that person weirdly unique and stand out from the rest. I will give you the characters I find most fitting in a novel through my daily life, but to save face of course they will have fake names. I dare you to now not think of the people around you in this way…..

1) The Ear blaster: There is this guy that I work with that I almost try to avoid. Not because I don’t like him, he is very nice, and not because I think he is mean, crude, or awkward (well maybe a little awkward). No, this guy is a talker. A won’t shut the hell up no matter how many times you give him the silent treatment, or say the off-hand “uh huh” or even try to act like you are actually really really busy…..looking at your computer. AKA…io9…facebook….reddit….The point is the guy doesn’t know when to just stop talking. So he would make a great side character. Not an annoying one, but a one that seems to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He finds his long lost love when a new secretary gets hired and she is MORE talkative than he is. Something like that….but to me, this dude needs to stop talking about Pauley Shore, I really don’t care man!

2) The Uber flirt: I don’t mind a little PDA, it truly does not bother me what so ever that you feel you have to casually plaster your hand to my arm mid conversation. HOWEVER….please stay away from my lower back, no its not ok to let me catch you glancing elsewhere than man eyes (you need to learn to be more covert!) And I know that there are flirts of the other side. The ones that giggle and seem to want to hug everyone within a mile radius. The ones that will stop mid conversation just to go say hi to so and so (even though they walk back over to you and say, “I have no idea who that was, but I always feel bad that I don’t use his name! He just looked like he needed a hi.”) Lets keep it at, PDA away, but keep in mind that there is such thing as personal space, if I can smell what you had for lunch…you are too damn close to me.

3) The Queen B: I think every office, work area, life situation has one of these. The one with the super high pitch annoying laugh that drills into your ears from WAY down the hallway. The one that thinks she is tough shit, hot shit, amazing shit…basically she thinks she is the Queen and the rest of you are the PEE-ONS!! Annoying much? Totally, but there is a problem, she actually is really really good at her job, she is above you on the ladder, and even though she may or may not have anything to do with your work schedule she likes to punish you on the weekends, late nights, and early butt crack of dawn mornings if she is able to. She looks at you with the manic smile saying things like, “you don’t mind right, because I have to be somewhere, so you can do this for me right?” And what can you say, Queen B may not own you, but she gets her way. You have to be honest here, you will never get your way, the day before you quit just give the B the finger and walk out of the office “Wanted, James McAvoy style” and know that you got the last laugh. Pwahahha….(that’s my textual evil laugh)

4) The total Sweetheart: Now this one is in every atmosphere. If you are self conscious and or insecure with yourself this person might actually annoying for their all amazing perfect sweetness. But really, that just makes you a jerk, I hope you realize that. This person truly is just the nicest thing you will ever meet. So genuine and down to earth, probably has the most infectious laugh you will ever hear, amazing eyes that are just so beautiful you fall into conversations with them thinking, “why would I ever want to be talking to anyone else?” Love this person, and if you give this one the time of day and a piece of your heart, they will always take care of you in return no matter what. Don’t be the B that steps all over this person and puts them down, they deserve to be cherished and loved and adored. Like Pam on The Office.

So that is my summary of some awesome characters around me. Each one of them has a place in a story, and most often the stories you hear in everyday life revolve around these types of characters. I’d love to hear back from you, let me know what your favorite type of character is. Who do you look at and think, “holy crap, you should be in a book!!”

PS.....this is my character today: half awake hipster with a classy coffee and pizza for breakfast. Grumpy, goofy, and in need of a hair tie

Useful tips along the epic journey

I am very excited today! Not that something super amazing has happened necessarily but I am getting closer and closer to my end goal. The Manny is almost complete! I am rounding out the final chapters of the GROWING PEAK OF EXCITEMENT through my Chapter Outlines. Things are finally coming together, and now I realize there are some pointers I picked up along the way that I feel are worth sharing.

1) Having an editor to help you along the way, I would recommend a really good friend that can point out “good critiques.” Something that the reader will appreciate as a fix, and not something that doesn’t add to the story what so ever.

2) Don’t be afraid to write total CRAP. I thought at first that I needed to write a chapter, perfect it, edit it, rewrite it, reedit it… but that took SOOOO DAMN LONG!!! Then I thought, how about I just throw up words all over the page in a sense of the story. That didn’t work either…BUT I then realized there is a healthy medium. I write a chapter to get out the idea, I go back and read it to recap the ideas that just went rapid fire through my brain and fix any LARGE problems that I see during the first read through. Then, I MOVE ON!! The big edit can come when the ideas are in place, especially if you have a super awesome cool editor that can comma hunt for you. BECAUSE I LOVE USING TOO MANY COMMAS!!!!!

3) Take a break. I want to say that the idea for this novel hit me about four years ago, but the actual writing connected with me about a year ago. Since then I have taken two somewhat large breaks from writing. One was about a month, the other was about three weeks. I don’t really think about these breaks as NOT WORKING I more like to think of them as brain storming time. I just don’t write as much. I take the time to truly think about my story, and if I still like the direction it’s going. Then one day I get a wild crazy idea for a scene and I am on the go again completely invigorated to write like crazy.

4) Don’t discard ANY forms of critique. Some might be totally dumb in your mind, or change the plot too much for you to want to use that idea. But the truth is that every time you receive a critique there might actually be a form of use out of it. My editor told me two little things about four months ago about what I needed to do to make the story a little more intense from the start. Plot line details….those two little things at first didn’t seem right, BUT after reading through the Manny again I realized she was right. I rewrote pretty much most of the first half of the Manny. All critiques have a valid point….but there is a difference between a critique and an ass just passing judgment. The difference: A) You should rewrite this scene, it doesn’t add to the characters development and it’s a little unorganized in thought for the reader B) you should rewrite this scene because it sucks. “Why?” Just because it does, it sucks. A) is valid and thought provoking, B) is a waste of your time

5) HAVE FUN!!! I can’t tell you how exciting and fun it is to write a story that people are excited about. Every time I feel like I am doing this for no reason and that nothing will ever come from it, I find someone who is interested in the story and I read them the Prologue. Only three people have read it so far, but every time I do that I feel like I remember the reason I started this journey. For me it’s hard work, but the excitement and energy I get from those around me keep me going.

So I am excited to share more with you soon. My deadline is quickly approaching so I apologize if I disappear now and then to “work” it’s only because I don’t want to disappoint. I will get this Manny done, and I hope when the time comes, you will see it published. Also, thank you all for your support and even for reading these blogs, you will be the first to know of any news!!! Be back soon…on to more writing adventures!!!!

Watch out for falling rocks

A momentary pause in the middle of the day, a sudden change in direction, it happens so quickly and you don’t even see it coming. It’s amazing to me how quickly life can change, how fast everything flips on a hinge sprinting back in a separate direction than when you first woke up that morning. It’s always a shock, a total surprise, a rock in the middle of your lane that flies at your moving vehicle at a speed to fast to avoid. BAM! Your life is now different.
I look back at where I started my adventure here in LA, and I can’t believe the differences I see in myself. I am shocked and amazed at my own ease of my surroundings, the confidence I am able to carry on a day to day basis. I know who I am, and I know what I want, but it definitely did NOT feel that way when I first moved here. I was alone, scared, without a job and in a huge city without a single friend. Everything I knew, everything that was familiar was back home in a nice pretty little package of security. But in the big bad world of La La Land I was completely on my own. For the first month I was scared out of my GOURD!!!! But…slowly things started to fall into place. I got a job, I met some people, I got a puppy, I changed jobs, I moved into a studio, I met more people, I started going to shows on my own, I started searching for the fun and thrills I had craved to experience.
Funny enough most of my stories are completely ridiculous that even I can’t believe I went through them, I believe one day I can make a novella out of the ridiculous, silly, awesome, crazy adventures I have had just in the two years of living here. But the best stories, the best adventures come packed with a punch. These events and situations that made me who I am, that shaped my sense of self, my own little piece of life story.
I remember the moment I met my best friend, the moment our lives crossed paths and I knew from that moment on that I would never find a friend as dear and openly honest with me. She has been a light in my life when all other lights have gone out. I am forever grateful to her patience and loyalty, her love and friendship, and her ability to tell me, “whoa calm down friend, take a breather. Now what’s going on?”
I remember the moment my heart was broken and I vowed to never let someone treat my heart like monkey meat. That moment shaped my courage and my determination not to settle, I will find someone worthy of my love and affection and I won’t take anything less than I deserve.
I remember the moment I was so low on funds, so low on faith in what I was doing that I was downright ready to give up. But then I was shot with a bit of encouragement, a bit of “hey, I can do that!” moment. A year ago I began this crazy wild adventure to write a novel while still pursuing my love for 3D animation and VFX. And even though I still struggle to maintain these goals, to accomplish these goals, I never would have found them in the first place if certain moments in my life hadn’t pushed me towards the desire to become who am I today.
Life can change in the blink of an eye, one minute you are just walking your own self determined path and the next, you are smacked in the face with change. You can accept it or deny it, but there is no chance of you avoiding it. Life is a funny thing, a wonderful horrible difficult beautiful exciting adventure, and I don’t plan on wasting it. I am jumping in with both feet hurtling toward my goals like a rock plummeting towards gravities destination. Let’s just hope this time, Gravity doesn’t land that rock on my windshield eh?
....PS rocks and windshield don't mix...

Give me back MY GUM DROP BUTTON!!!

No not the gum drop button!!!

Sometimes I feel like the gingerbread man...or lady I should say. I feel like little pieces of me are ripped off, taken from me, and I struggle to remain in control of myself and my life. Right now I am sick as a dog, and frustrated with certain aspects of my life. My job, my time, my goals, my money, my damn whining dog who won't stop whining no matter how many times I take him outside!!!!!!! Little things, or rather all big things pile into my brain and ripe me apart from the inside out.

Sanity sometimes holds on by a single precarious little thread. There are so many times I want to give up and run back to mommy and daddy (that's right I still call them Mommy and Daddy when the time calls for it!!!) screaming that being an adult totally sucks!! But then I think of my goals, my life aspirations, everything I want from this life and I know that this is a road bump, a really freaking BIG FAT NASTY road bump, the kind that make you go "Holy shit balls did my car just fall apart, that thing was MONSTROUS!! WHERE THE HELL ARE THE TAX PAYER DOLLARS, that needs to be fixed pronto, shit I think my bumper just fell off." Yeah...that is the kind of ROAD BUMP I'm hitting right now, it's more like a ROAD MOUNTAIN...the size of a freaking mansion!!!

Ok, so there it is, my sanity is barely hanging on. What does any of this have to do with anything? I will be the first to admit this shit sucks, BUT....there are some great stories to pull out of struggle. Struggle is the international uniform aspect of life. We all struggle, we're all
on a road to success, fortune and fame, but we all struggle and fail along that path. I know that to fail is to never try, but I feel like I try over and over and over and never move, but that doesn't mean I give up. The one thing I have pulled from my experience is an array of stories, there is so much I have learned about life and myself, I am amazed at how strong a person can be when given the opportunity to AKA...forced into it, because no one in their right mind would CHOOSE to struggle.

But the stories, the emotion, the power of overcoming the struggle. That is why all of this is worth it to me no matter how much I hate it, no matter how many times I replace that damn gum drop button, it will be worth it in the end. I know that I can pull every single struggle into an epic tale...lets just hope that epic tale will entice you enough to want to read it.

December is my deadline...the manny is SOON TO COME!!

Defeat will not defeat me!

Over the many years of working in an artistic field, I have to say, the hardest thing to accomplish isn’t success; it’s the mastery of graciously accepting denial and criticism. I mean that very seriously, you have to be GRACIOUS, completely understanding, open and accepting, there is no room for defensive strategies when working in the art field because it will only dig the failure hole deeper. Many think that to be denied, is to fail. I think the opposite (though trying to talk to me right after I have been denied, I will tell you to shut up and leave me alone!).

I have applied for more jobs than I could possibly count, most don’t even contact me back. Others, I have a phenomenal interview and then…never hear back. OR…I have a phenomenal interview and I do hear back….for them to tell me I didn’t get the job. Denial, they went with someone else, someone who they think is better, which automatically makes me feel…worse. But I know it’s not true, that position just wasn’t for me, and there is something else that I am meant to do (even though at time, I will fight with anyone who tries to tell me differently, “THAT WAS THE PERFECT JOB DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!!”)

I am not perfect at this, in fact this is the hardest thing I have had to learn in my life. It’s not easy to look someone in the eye and say “Yes, I understand you don’t want me, yes I understand that you feel someone will work harder, faster, and better than I can.” While the whole time you just want to scream, “YOU ARE AN IDIOT YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED ME!!!!” But that isn’t very professional is it ;/

Anyways, the point is that all of this epic failure/denial in your life is actually good for you. It has taught me that sometimes you have to reflect and look at the situation from someone else’s perspective. Step outside your tiny little box, and look at the big picture. When it comes to writing I know there will be way more no’s than yes’s, I will have to scrounge around and FIND the person that believes in me and my product. It won’t be easy, and I will have to put in a lot of effort to get what I want but a few thousand bajillion no’s will NEVER stop me from reaching my goals.

…..try saying that to me right after someone said , “No you SUCK!” I won’t listen to you, I will pout and throw something at you. But the next day maybe…maybe even a few hours later when I have time to reflect I can look objectively at my situation. This isn’t the end, I just have to keep moving, keep looking ahead because I will find what I am looking for. I will reach the top of the endless stairs I have been climbing, damn it I WILL BE A SUCCESS!!!!! Failure can completely devastate and destroy you, OR it can make you so damn mad that you work three times as hard to show how much you deserve and will obtain that success.

Distractions and procrastination

Sometimes when I am home and I know I should be working I instead lounging on my couch, reading a book, watching a movie, playing with my puppy any and all of the above, and then once I get into bed I think, “I should have worked on something!!” I hate how guilty my conscious can be when really I do deserve a break now and again. I think after working all day long, getting up early, writing when I could throughout the day, working out…I just need a bit of a break. But then I think about when is taking a break a good thing, and when is it a bad thing. This is something I ponder often. I keep trying to get ahead and work work work, but then other things get in the way and distract me. Needless to say I am easily distracted, though I blame my puppy for half of the home distraction (who can focus on the next best seller when you have an adorable pug whining in your ear!!)

This week hasn’t been all that productive writing wise, and my 3D work has taken the back seat to my novel which also bugs me and nags me incessantly to work on it. I wish there were 36 hours in the day, 8 hours to sleep and 28 hours to work work work. I think that would be helpful. I need more time! Or maybe time could slow down and my actions could speed up like a humming bird. I could zoom so fast from thing to thing that I practically have twice as much time as before. This is a pointless conversation, it’s another distraction from doing what I am supposed to be doing. WRITING THE MANNY!!! Get to it Jessica, you have wasted enough of your morning.

Making my own destiny

You must be warned...its a little cheesy in here, a very distinct smoked Gouda....

I’m sitting here and thinking….what to do what to do? None of this is directed at this blog, it’s more a general blanketed question of my life. What to do? What can I do? What do I want to do? (Mainly I would love to live on a deserted island like Swiss Family Robinsons…but no crazy pirates!)

I come back to this question again and again whenever I seem to be a bit stuck. What do I do??????? Here is the thing, I feel like I am not going anywhere in my job so of course I blame that on the industry and the economy. There aren’t any jobs out there right, there is nothing better for me so I should just stay here and stew in my frustrations of being treated like the gum stuck on the bottom of the owner’s shoe. It’s not so bad right, at least I’m not out on the streets, and I can pay my way through my day to day. It’s manageable.

Then there is the matter of my home “work” life, my freelance that I try to complete and normally never have much time to do. I’m too busy, I work too much, I’m too tired, I just want to relax and watch a movie, I suck anyways why would anyone want to hire me for this…and on and on it goes, but again that is just an excuse isn’t it? I don’t work on my freelance because it’s tough to do, it’s not easy work, takes a lot of time and effort, and to be honest sometimes I really just want to drink a glass of wine and read a good book!

Then…there is “The Manny.” I write constantly, I re read it, I love it then hate it, and I re write it, I fix it, I work through the night trying to get my meaning and story across only to be exhausted the next morning and again…where did that get me? The Manny isn’t a job, it’s a hobby at the moment, something that maybe someday will turn into something but in the mean time it’s just a working project. Right?

WRONG

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!

I keep getting this all wrong. I push myself into this hole of, it’s not worth it , it doesn’t matter, you aren’t good enough, you don’t deserve it….it sounds like self pity but it’s not. It’s me keeping myself from achieving my goals because I am scared. Of WHAT!? I don’t really know…but I believe the most obvious answer is failure. That needs to be kicked aside and shoved into the ground though, you can’t fail at something you never try for in the first place. I have realized that in order to reach a goal and achieve the accomplishment you desire you have to put your own goals into place. YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN DESTINY (yeah it’s cheesy as hell, but like I said, I enjoy some wine so cheesy works for me!) I don’t believe in fate, and that if one thing happens to you it’s because down the line another thing is suppose to happen to you. I believe we make our own choices, and every choice comes with an outcome, you either learn and grow from that outcome or you let that moment pass you by without taking in any meaning to your life whatsoever.

Life is about choices, and making the choices that best work for you. If you never take the step off the trash heap, you won’t go anywhere, you will remain in the dump that you started in. I think it’s time to take charge, to make a change, to do something different. I don’t care really how, I just know I can’t stay where I am. That is all…that is what I want to do. I want to be anywhere but where I am in life right now…and I am the only one that can make that happen.