You Made Me SQUEE Laura....

SLIGHT SPOILERS....sorta....

There is a new thing happening to me...it's called excitement. I felt it back in March when I was anticipating the awesomeness of GAME OF THRONES to appear on HBO again, but the buzz of anxious excitement is creeping down my spine again.

"But why Jessica, it's only July (technically it's July peeps) and Game of Thrones is SUPER far away!"

Ah ha...touche, I agree with you but guess what is not too far away. OUTLANDER!!!!!!!!

If you haven't boarded the train of "Outlander Obsession" like my dear friend Laura talked me into doing you are crazy as cat poop.

Seriously this is one of the best things to happen since Game of Thrones and...yes I'm serious....Braveheart. I know, that was only one movie but it was epic and beautiful and full of compound intense EMOTION. This series tugs at your heart, lifts your spirits, makes you want to scream battle cries...seriously if you haven't read at least the first book in this series GO. DO. NOW!

Why are you so excited though Jess?

That is a great question fictional speaker in my blog. I am excited because Diana Gabalden (Author) helped put together this amazing epic show. She wrote a great series starting with the first book, and I trust her decisions for making this show just as amazing. I won't get tied up in the whole, "but they didn't show this part," and the "wait they change that part!!!" Mainly because I trust Diana, meaning I know the show will be amazing AMAZING making it even more exciting to watch.

Soooo....why the sudden extra amounts of Squee today?

They just released the titles of the first 8 EPISODES!!! To which I immediatly freaked out.....
Laura:

Me: Baaahhhhhh...is there only going to be 8 episodes? Why is the wedding at the end so far away. Are they splitting up the first book? Questions questions more more questions!!!!
Laura: Its only the names of the first episodes that are going to air
Me: But but but...that means only 8 episodes for the first season?
Laura: I believe for season 1
Me: But but but....why why why....damn it damn it damn it!!!!! I WANT MOOOOOOORE...
Me: That last comment made me feel like the cookie monster Outlander style....I'm wearing a smancy dress too....
Laura: 16 for the first season, they gave a list of the first 8 episodes only
Me: Oh...I freaked out. Panic....I panicked.

Ok so the point is...READ THIS BOOK. I promise you won't regret it..then I dare you not to continue the series because....KILTS, SWORDS, FIGHTING, LOVE, TRIANGLES, TIME TRAVEL, SCOTLAND, BATTLE, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION, MORE LOVE, MORE AWESOME, FUNNY, and....did I mention KILTS...because KILTS!!!!!!!!!!

Belief Can Be The Strongest Miracle

I saw a shining light of hope on the horizon, a beacon of green beckoning me forward into the wide open space of opportunity....then a loud "HONK" sounded from behind me and I shook myself out of the haze.

Gas pedal Jessica, drive and focus.

On a daily basis during the stress, the problems and the massive piles of poo shoveled onto my plate of life I tell myself three things:
1) Tomorrow will be another day, a better day
2) Today is just a plot twist in the epic adventure of your soon to be best seller
3) Yesterday is in the past, let it go (Yep Frozen style...though I don't sing this...well not in public)


I want to believe that this to shall pass, things will get better, life will become less of a struggle, there is a light at the end of this bleak abyss, I WILL SURVIVE THIS TORRENTIAL STORM OF EVIL OBSTACLES!!! Reality is a cruel evil bitch, and I blame only myself for thinking I could out think her wide spread tentacles alone.

Once I graduated I was so....optimistic. I had this mind set that nothing could stop me. I moved up to the big bad city and I charged into the crazy world of film. That was three years ago, and I haven't made much of a dent. It makes for a sad finish doesn't it? No, I say no to that because I am not done.

Now I can't make this all happy and exciting, because life really isn't always hunky dory, easy peasy lemon squeasy, but...I can have hope. For the past three years I have been pushing on all cylinders of want and the steam is just running out. I have no drive for I want, I need to change my thoughts to I need and not just need but, "help me get what I need."

I have never been one to profess myself as a specific religion because I don't truly believe that religion is only just one faith. The Bible, the Quran, the Torah, or even Mabinogion, these are all textual stories of what the people of a specific faith believe and I can't discount a single story in them. They are stories written by men and women, a sort of guideline of good faith and understanding of religion on a whole. I believe that our faith and our believes make a spiritual connection, and the stories add value and depth to understanding. I worship the connection and relationship I have with God and the spiritual love and affection I have for mother nature. I believe that we all carry a belief, some are more stern than others but for the most part we believe in an ethereal entity surrounding us with love and nurturing care. Over the years I have been walking away from my hope and my power of belief, I felt alone and without a buddy to comfort me through the darkness.

At the bottom of the pit of our lowest lows I think is when we most often find the time to quiet our minds and reflect on our lives. Right now, I am reflecting. Where am I going? How am I going to get there? What do I need to do? But before any of that I feel that I need to believe better things will come, I just need to be patient and ask for help.

I have never been good at asking for help, in fact I down right suck at it. I don't like accepting help, I want to do it on my own, but at the same time I crazy stress over things when I have no idea how I am going to accomplish them. How will I pay my rent on time, how am I going to pay my student loans back, how am I going to buy my puppy dog food, how will I be able to get gas to get myself to work? So many questions, so many stressful worries. It sounds silly to say but at the end of the day I have to set aside those worries. Stress only makes me weaker, I need to focus on the "what I can do" column and not the "what I can't do AHHH freak out!!" column.

So my goals...my new mantra's every day
1)This too shall pass, but until then just do what you can
2) Every plot twist is a chance for change
3) I will not be defeated, if I ask for help and truly believe I can do this and that I am not alone, miracles will happen

I won't say I feel like everything is magically better, I still feel like I am at the bottom of a dark pit and the only way out is to climb every impossible inch using nothing but my finger tips and the luck that I won't fall. But even alone in the darkest depths, I am not alone. I have faith, I believe. God will not leave me to wilt into nothing, and mother nature will provide the workings of beauty and wonder to guide me through the days in peace. Life may be horribly difficult and terrifying, but I have hands to hold. I am not alone, and I can do this.

Short and simple, honest and tough as week old poop

Have you ever felt alone but surrounded by a horde of faces? Or maybe felt lost though you know exactly where you are....perhaps frustrated though you don't know the source of it?

Right now I feel a lot and I can't explain most of it. I just feel too much. And that is all that can be said about it for now....

Tonight is bury my head under the covers night....tomorrow I will reflect. And then....barrel into a full on life change.

The Girl Nerd takes a Stand!

I remember the shining bright light as I stepped out of the nerdy closet to join the rest of my bretheren, it was a moment of ecstatic glee. No more hiding, no more ducking behind sports and a tough tomboy persona. I stepped into the light and realized I wanted to shout to the world....

I AM A NERD!

I didn't realize when I made this discovery of self understanding that there would be backlash for it. You would think the A-typical jocks/ punks/ bully/ jughead would make a crude comment in my general direction but I have to say that none of those "types" of people noticed I was a nerd. I don't look like a nerd, and after so many years in hiding I don't dress like one either. For the most part I believe I look like a natural girly girl, not overly done up but definitely applied in my appearance. That is not to say most nerd girls I know don't resemble me, in fact, I feel that almost all my fellow girl nerd slightly resemble me. It amazes me still that I didn't get the rejection from those outside of my little bubble of nerdiness but those on the inside.

The first time I noticed this obvious disreguard for my personal lifestyle I cast it off as no big deal, but the more it happened the more I had began to see an annoying trend. The most offensive comment I ever received was, "You can't be a nerd, especially a computer nerd, you are a girl." Yes, my inner She Hulk almost burst out of my body to beat the culprit down into a bloody unrecognizable pile of pulp. The reasons as to why I CAN'T be a nerd astounds me:

-I'm a girl
-I wear dresses
-I don't read comic books
-I don't play video games every day
-I don't own a true GAMER computer
-I like sports
-I'm not a guy
-I dress too girly
-I wear make-up
-I tend to flare up about misogynistic story lines/ tropes/ movies/characters
-I think having to show a woman's body to sell a product is asinine
-I read too many "smart" books and not enough "good" books
-I am obsessed with music and love being in large crowds at a live show

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. All of these reasons are ridiculous. I never ask a fellow nerd what makes them nerdy, I don't see the point. I don't need to offer up my nerd resume and have you approve or disapprove of what I like and am in to.

I think here is where it becomes obvious why I choose the handle name that I did. I am a Girl Nerd living in a Boys World. No I don't care if I am ever accepted because I will continue to love and adore the things that I do.

Truly I can't point the mean finger at every single male nerd out there, that in itself would be asinine. I want to say the score is about 70/30 of rude ass monkeys to kind adoring and accepting nerds. I have found many jerks in this corner of the world, but I have also found many many awesome and wonderful nerds that understand my plight.

I am a woman, and I am a nerd. I love movies to ridiculous obsession and I wait anxiously for the new trailers to come out so I can geek out all over again. My typical chill night consists of watching Harry Potter marathons, Firefly reminiscing (I'm a leaf on the wind!), or geeking out on the awesomeness of Battlestar. I played Donkey Kong every day after school until I beat the blasted game and won all the bananas. I became obessed with King's Quest and hogged the family computer because I had to collects the Mask pieces!! I love to paint not just on canvas but also digitally. I love 3D designing, I love building characters from a cube and applying color, light, and depth to create movement in 3D space. I am obsessed with fantasy/sci fi/ adventure books so much so that I am writing my own Trilogy. I wear dresses, I love high heels, I love curling my hair, I wear make up, and I use that damn torture contraption to make my eyelashes curl just right. I don't care what anyone thinks, I love what I love and no one can change that. I am a Girl Nerd in a Boys World and I will always be....me.

 Sometimes ME dresses up as Jessica Rabbit :)

Nothing to Prove- Geek Girls and the Doubleclicks 
Check out an awesome music video here!!! NERDS UNITE!!!

"We've both been ridiculed for our hobbies. Be supportive, we are on the SAME SIDE!"

 "Geek girls are awesome and we are not going away."

 "I was told I sound smart for a girl in a pink skirt."

"You think I do this for your approval??? Mwa hahahaha!! Get over yourself."

 And....Girl Nerd out. I think I have made my point :)

Author's Question: To Kill or Not to Kill

How much killing in a novel is too much killing? I can't help thinking about which characters will suffer but make it, and which will suffer and not make it. As an author it's my duty to decide what makes a death worth it, and what makes it just a tool to grab attention.

I have always admired authors like George R.R. Martin who take characters to their maximum extreme of torture and only when they peak over toward the side of victory does he slay them to pieces. It's truly remarkable that you can kill off some of the most likable and loveable characters and can still manage to grip the readers. Perhaps pulling a G.R.R.M. isn't the correct route all the time though. I feel he has so many characters that keeping them all in the main story line is just too much to keep track of. In order to find semblance and order within the whole arc of the story you would have to kill off characters, but when is the killing enough? Not everyone can win, and for the most part the evil ones win far more often than the good ones. Once again....poor Sean Bean! But the more I see/read the more I can't help but think, "Oh no, don't kill that person!! I really really like that character!!" But to that I say, "LIKE ONLY THE ONES YOU HATE, because George will kill off every likable character every time you ask him when his next book is coming out."

Diana Gabaldon pulls her characters to the highest of highs before ripping them back down to base zero stripping them of everything they know. She has a way of making the characters struggle toward happiness and survival, and she succeeds in making you believe the anguish and horror they experience. I think of most authors Diana has found a great way to lead you into loving a character and hoping along beside them that things will work out. She also takes you on  wild roller coaster of a story making you want to read through a boring chapter or two just to see the characters on a safe and relaxing buoy in the storm of crazy problems. Diana doesn't let you down though, and never did I expect a character to live that she had killed off neither did I necessarily grief at their passing. Each and every kill I feel is expected, earned, or deserved. And if there is one thing I can say for certain you know she won't kill off Jamie or Claire, she just won't because it would destroy her readers ( I haven't even read all the books and I know this!!)

Then there are authors like Veronica Roth who have a seriously great story line going and then ruin everything she built up by enacting a completely horrible death. She pulled in readers with the idea of her story, the whole fighting back against social structure and dominating leaders but the last leg of her trilogy fell to pieces for the readers when she killed off the main character. There are few times when I shake my head at authors decisions, few times when I disagree with the direction they took with the story line, but in some cases I just can't get on board. Why does it work for some authors and not for others?

I think some could argue that you don't really need to kill off any characters. Go for a Lord of the Rings style story and pretend to kill off super important characters only to have them fight an evil shadow beast on top of a mountain and come back as a white cloaked God like figure. Now one could argue that Boromir dies (Poor poor Sean Bean, you can never catch a break can you!) but to that I say, "Of course he dies, he is tainted by the ring and knows he can't deny it's power." Boromir accepts his path toward denying evil, in order to truly make things right with Frodo he must sacrifice himself for the remaining hobbits. In books like LOTR you don't see the author killing off likable characters, you see him killing off the characters that are either evil or accept their evil ways and make a change for the better through sacrifice. I think both of those are extremely acceptable.

So the question stands, to kill or not to kill, and to be honest even in the middle of a scene with sword/gun/ knife/ bomb/ thumbs poised to inflict the killing shot I still never know if the character is going to remain alive or not.

You Can't Outrun Lonely

Sometimes the ache hurts just barely enough
It sits below the surface to the notice of none
A silent stab just below the chest
But I feel it like a blow to the core of myself
Don't be so concerned
It happens so much
Don't you worry
I just deal with it's touch
The cooling fingers prickling my spine
The settling flames that burst through my pride
The sweat ridden nights that are caused by thoughts
Of everything that can swallow me up
I yearn for the day this will all go away
But like clockwork it comes back
And I have no fracking say
Sure I can run and fight for my life
But every moment in a battle for breath
I'd like to see you outrun it's cruel touch
Instead of a warning a subtle jab
The bastard attacks in an all out parade
My flesh its canvas to pull down in fear
My emotions its instrument to play into tears
My heart it's ground to walk over like dirt
And my idiot brain to think this time it would work
I thought I had fooled you
I thought I found peace
But you come back to haunt me
Lonely, please just let me be.

Movie and TV: What's the SQUEE factor!?

I think it's time to talk about the SQUEE factor in movies or TV shows. There are quite a few cinematic adventures to love right now, but there are a several that I just can't seem to get enough of.
To explain what SQUEE is I would clarify it as the ultimate moment when you completly freak out/"squee" out loud because of your overwhelming excitement for something. Most times I SQUEE before I even see the show, the anticipation kills me! For a visual reference I am going to use one of my all time favorite little characters from Treasure Planet. Here is Morph:

Morph is our guide for understanding what a SQUEE looks like...I think that is my exact expression tongue dangling out, eyes wide open in spasmic glee of the joyous excitement soon to come to my eye holes!!






MY MOST RECENT SQUEE-TASTIC CINEMATIC ADVENTURES
1) Game of Thrones
2) Battlestar Galactica
3) X-Men Days of Future Past

First I love trailers, they set my SQUEE factor up towards a 9 even though I haven't really seen anything yet. There are some people who hate seeing things before the full episode but I thoroughly enjoy it. It's like I am let in on a little secret that only the editors/directors really know about, it makes me feel special!

GAME OF THRONES
Trailers get me excited but I feel like each show, each movie has it's own level of possible SQUEE. When it comes to Game of Thrones I get wrapped up in the character arc's and the progressive story line. G.R.R.M. (the abbreviation for the authors unusually long-ish name) has a way of building up his characters to their peak of performance. He shows you what they are fully capable of, shows you their moment of understanding of who they are and what they are meant to accomplish, and then he brutally slaughters them. I think a good code of watching with it comes to GOT is 'Don't get attached to any one character!!' As a writer I think this is a brilliant tactic. As a viewer and a reader I want to love the characters who live, but then again I always fall for the wonderful, hearty, die hard characters and they inevitably die (though there are some truly deserving deaths in GOT....even if it takes FOUR SEASONS TO GET TO THAT VERY SPECIFIC DEATH!!!). My point is, the emotional connection to each and every character makes this show extremely SQUEE worthy. I love a characters story, I want to see them succeed and I am with them all the way through every torturous episode. The longer my favorites live, the more SQUEE factor this show will become. At the moment, I set Game of Thrones at a SQUEE range of 9 (mainly because it's not over yet, and once it is I have no doubt the SQUEE range will burst out of the top marks!)
AWESOME QUOTE:
Ramsay Snow "If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
I know I know, I am totally behind the times. I JUST STARTED BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, but even though I am behind I have to give this show it's due ranking in the SQUEE range. Even though it's over and I am marathoning like a fiend through every episode, I get overly excited about what is to come. I think a core reason I completely love this show is because they aren't afraid to deviate from a story line. The whole first season you believe the show is set up for a specific outcome, but they deftly shift away from it and take the characters down a different path. Also, there is no one obvious good guy because at one point of another each and every "good" character has to make  decision that is not quite so good. This shows the truly human nature of each character. There is no "pure" human, as a race we are completely flawed but that doesn't mean we shouldn't continue to fight to live and survive. I think I love this show the most because not only am I emotionally attached to characters, I also cheer for some of the technical bad characters because they work so hard to succeed. So far, I have to say my SQUEE range for Bstar is about a 7. I can't fully SQUEE-out just yet plus the visual effects make me giggle sometimes enough for the SQUEE to be dampened down just a touch.
AWESOME QUOTE:
 Admiral Helena Cain: Frack you.
 Number Six: You're not my type.

X-MEN DAYS OF FURTURE PAST
On to MOVIE MANIA.....Most recently I am still SQUEE-ing over X-Men Days of Future Past. I have to say with a movie with sooooooo many characters and so many possible story lines they really didn't a great job of pulling the film together. They kept focus on the main characters of X-Men First Class, the hightened focus remained on their story with small highlights, features, and cameo's from other mutants that we all know and love, or ones we are just getting to know. I think one of the best things that the writers took into account was the comedy factor. There were quite a few giggle-fantastic moments which lightened the heavy mood in the right way without over doing it. This movie with all the hype and the mass production value really paid off. I was geeking out over the trailer for quite a while which adds to the SQUEE factor of the actual movie when I see it. If I love the trailer, and the film pays off with a wonderful story, heavy arc for characters, and intense ending of awesome craziness I will go a little SQUEE happy. I say overall this is a SQUEE factor of 8.
AWESOME QUOTE:
Charles Xavier: The past: a place of potential promise, and possibility. We are the sum of our choices, as what we do now defines what we will do. Infinite decisions mean infinite consequences, for the future is never truly set.

My top 5 SQUEE's!

1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1 & 2)













2) Jurassic Park (Because this is the movie that started the obsession with AWESOME MOVIES)

3) Lord of the Rings (YES ALL OF THEM!!)

4) Game of Thrones (Duh)

5) Cloud Atlas (If you don't SQUEE over this one, you just didn't get it. This movie is one of my all time favorites!)

I want to hear what YOU SQUEE over, tell me what you are most excited to watch or what you still can't get enough of!!!