Give me back MY GUM DROP BUTTON!!!

No not the gum drop button!!!

Sometimes I feel like the gingerbread man...or lady I should say. I feel like little pieces of me are ripped off, taken from me, and I struggle to remain in control of myself and my life. Right now I am sick as a dog, and frustrated with certain aspects of my life. My job, my time, my goals, my money, my damn whining dog who won't stop whining no matter how many times I take him outside!!!!!!! Little things, or rather all big things pile into my brain and ripe me apart from the inside out.

Sanity sometimes holds on by a single precarious little thread. There are so many times I want to give up and run back to mommy and daddy (that's right I still call them Mommy and Daddy when the time calls for it!!!) screaming that being an adult totally sucks!! But then I think of my goals, my life aspirations, everything I want from this life and I know that this is a road bump, a really freaking BIG FAT NASTY road bump, the kind that make you go "Holy shit balls did my car just fall apart, that thing was MONSTROUS!! WHERE THE HELL ARE THE TAX PAYER DOLLARS, that needs to be fixed pronto, shit I think my bumper just fell off." Yeah...that is the kind of ROAD BUMP I'm hitting right now, it's more like a ROAD MOUNTAIN...the size of a freaking mansion!!!

Ok, so there it is, my sanity is barely hanging on. What does any of this have to do with anything? I will be the first to admit this shit sucks, BUT....there are some great stories to pull out of struggle. Struggle is the international uniform aspect of life. We all struggle, we're all
on a road to success, fortune and fame, but we all struggle and fail along that path. I know that to fail is to never try, but I feel like I try over and over and over and never move, but that doesn't mean I give up. The one thing I have pulled from my experience is an array of stories, there is so much I have learned about life and myself, I am amazed at how strong a person can be when given the opportunity to AKA...forced into it, because no one in their right mind would CHOOSE to struggle.

But the stories, the emotion, the power of overcoming the struggle. That is why all of this is worth it to me no matter how much I hate it, no matter how many times I replace that damn gum drop button, it will be worth it in the end. I know that I can pull every single struggle into an epic tale...lets just hope that epic tale will entice you enough to want to read it.

December is my deadline...the manny is SOON TO COME!!

Defeat will not defeat me!

Over the many years of working in an artistic field, I have to say, the hardest thing to accomplish isn’t success; it’s the mastery of graciously accepting denial and criticism. I mean that very seriously, you have to be GRACIOUS, completely understanding, open and accepting, there is no room for defensive strategies when working in the art field because it will only dig the failure hole deeper. Many think that to be denied, is to fail. I think the opposite (though trying to talk to me right after I have been denied, I will tell you to shut up and leave me alone!).

I have applied for more jobs than I could possibly count, most don’t even contact me back. Others, I have a phenomenal interview and then…never hear back. OR…I have a phenomenal interview and I do hear back….for them to tell me I didn’t get the job. Denial, they went with someone else, someone who they think is better, which automatically makes me feel…worse. But I know it’s not true, that position just wasn’t for me, and there is something else that I am meant to do (even though at time, I will fight with anyone who tries to tell me differently, “THAT WAS THE PERFECT JOB DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!!”)

I am not perfect at this, in fact this is the hardest thing I have had to learn in my life. It’s not easy to look someone in the eye and say “Yes, I understand you don’t want me, yes I understand that you feel someone will work harder, faster, and better than I can.” While the whole time you just want to scream, “YOU ARE AN IDIOT YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED ME!!!!” But that isn’t very professional is it ;/

Anyways, the point is that all of this epic failure/denial in your life is actually good for you. It has taught me that sometimes you have to reflect and look at the situation from someone else’s perspective. Step outside your tiny little box, and look at the big picture. When it comes to writing I know there will be way more no’s than yes’s, I will have to scrounge around and FIND the person that believes in me and my product. It won’t be easy, and I will have to put in a lot of effort to get what I want but a few thousand bajillion no’s will NEVER stop me from reaching my goals.

…..try saying that to me right after someone said , “No you SUCK!” I won’t listen to you, I will pout and throw something at you. But the next day maybe…maybe even a few hours later when I have time to reflect I can look objectively at my situation. This isn’t the end, I just have to keep moving, keep looking ahead because I will find what I am looking for. I will reach the top of the endless stairs I have been climbing, damn it I WILL BE A SUCCESS!!!!! Failure can completely devastate and destroy you, OR it can make you so damn mad that you work three times as hard to show how much you deserve and will obtain that success.

Distractions and procrastination

Sometimes when I am home and I know I should be working I instead lounging on my couch, reading a book, watching a movie, playing with my puppy any and all of the above, and then once I get into bed I think, “I should have worked on something!!” I hate how guilty my conscious can be when really I do deserve a break now and again. I think after working all day long, getting up early, writing when I could throughout the day, working out…I just need a bit of a break. But then I think about when is taking a break a good thing, and when is it a bad thing. This is something I ponder often. I keep trying to get ahead and work work work, but then other things get in the way and distract me. Needless to say I am easily distracted, though I blame my puppy for half of the home distraction (who can focus on the next best seller when you have an adorable pug whining in your ear!!)

This week hasn’t been all that productive writing wise, and my 3D work has taken the back seat to my novel which also bugs me and nags me incessantly to work on it. I wish there were 36 hours in the day, 8 hours to sleep and 28 hours to work work work. I think that would be helpful. I need more time! Or maybe time could slow down and my actions could speed up like a humming bird. I could zoom so fast from thing to thing that I practically have twice as much time as before. This is a pointless conversation, it’s another distraction from doing what I am supposed to be doing. WRITING THE MANNY!!! Get to it Jessica, you have wasted enough of your morning.

Making my own destiny

You must be warned...its a little cheesy in here, a very distinct smoked Gouda....

I’m sitting here and thinking….what to do what to do? None of this is directed at this blog, it’s more a general blanketed question of my life. What to do? What can I do? What do I want to do? (Mainly I would love to live on a deserted island like Swiss Family Robinsons…but no crazy pirates!)

I come back to this question again and again whenever I seem to be a bit stuck. What do I do??????? Here is the thing, I feel like I am not going anywhere in my job so of course I blame that on the industry and the economy. There aren’t any jobs out there right, there is nothing better for me so I should just stay here and stew in my frustrations of being treated like the gum stuck on the bottom of the owner’s shoe. It’s not so bad right, at least I’m not out on the streets, and I can pay my way through my day to day. It’s manageable.

Then there is the matter of my home “work” life, my freelance that I try to complete and normally never have much time to do. I’m too busy, I work too much, I’m too tired, I just want to relax and watch a movie, I suck anyways why would anyone want to hire me for this…and on and on it goes, but again that is just an excuse isn’t it? I don’t work on my freelance because it’s tough to do, it’s not easy work, takes a lot of time and effort, and to be honest sometimes I really just want to drink a glass of wine and read a good book!

Then…there is “The Manny.” I write constantly, I re read it, I love it then hate it, and I re write it, I fix it, I work through the night trying to get my meaning and story across only to be exhausted the next morning and again…where did that get me? The Manny isn’t a job, it’s a hobby at the moment, something that maybe someday will turn into something but in the mean time it’s just a working project. Right?

WRONG

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!

I keep getting this all wrong. I push myself into this hole of, it’s not worth it , it doesn’t matter, you aren’t good enough, you don’t deserve it….it sounds like self pity but it’s not. It’s me keeping myself from achieving my goals because I am scared. Of WHAT!? I don’t really know…but I believe the most obvious answer is failure. That needs to be kicked aside and shoved into the ground though, you can’t fail at something you never try for in the first place. I have realized that in order to reach a goal and achieve the accomplishment you desire you have to put your own goals into place. YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN DESTINY (yeah it’s cheesy as hell, but like I said, I enjoy some wine so cheesy works for me!) I don’t believe in fate, and that if one thing happens to you it’s because down the line another thing is suppose to happen to you. I believe we make our own choices, and every choice comes with an outcome, you either learn and grow from that outcome or you let that moment pass you by without taking in any meaning to your life whatsoever.

Life is about choices, and making the choices that best work for you. If you never take the step off the trash heap, you won’t go anywhere, you will remain in the dump that you started in. I think it’s time to take charge, to make a change, to do something different. I don’t care really how, I just know I can’t stay where I am. That is all…that is what I want to do. I want to be anywhere but where I am in life right now…and I am the only one that can make that happen.