I have MOVED!!

Not a crazy big deal, but I decided to make a move. You can find my blog at:

jmcspaddenwrites.wordpress.com

I look forward to your feedback and loving words there. Thanks for following me!

Help...I need your feedback peeps!!!

I need some thoughts from the masses...or rather the 5 people that might actually read my blog.

I have been doing some really heavy thinking about my novel, and the longer I wait and hold onto my manny I just feel like I am losing my spark over it. I need it to be out there. I am waiting on one more opinion, but really truly I think I am going to do a final polish and then self publish.

I was trying so hard to get an agent and get traditionally published but it just hasn't worked out so far and I kinda just want to be out with it. It's not really about making any money on it, it's more about getting the book out there to be available. Of course I hope people read it, of course I want many people to love it. But really truly I just want to know that I did it, that I accomplished it.

However, I still have my reservations. Should I keep trying to land the glory agent, or should I just self publish?

Thoughts? Opinions? Ideas? Completely unrelated comments are always welcome as well :)

Huh...well that's new...

A strange thing happened to me last week and I feel the need to scream it out into the void.  Maybe not scream,  but loudly express to the masses if they are interested  enough to listen.

First,  I realized many years ago that I love food. Not just food in general,  I love interesting concoctions of food.  I love apples and gourmet cheese,  fig jam on jalapeño rosemary toast, bacon infused goat cheese stuffed dates dipped in a sweet cherry sauce.  I love food.  Reading the Hunger Games actually made me hungry because the food is described so eloquently. I don't just love food though,  I love great food.  You won't see me eating McDonald's or taco bell unless it's the last option at 3 am and I'm about to die from starvation.

Second, it's a well known fact in my friend group and my family that I am an advocate and a deep lover of really good beer. Wine is a close second as I drink it often, but a really tasty beer just always hits the right spot. It's not just about the flavor though it's about the process and the brewery. The people behind the magic. I love supporting the small breweries, and not just because I am from San Diego and some of the best breweries are located there, but more because they have worked so hard to create something I love so much. I must give them my complete and total attention.

Third, I have a ridiculous sweet tooth which amazingly as my mother and Grandmother told me, my taste buds have changed. I no longer crave the ultimate sweet sweet candy and pure sugar, I crave the decadent and the grand. Mint fudge swirl ice cream mixed with mint chocolate chips, creme brulee with a side of fresh strawberries and whip cream, fresh pumpkin cheesecake, eclairs, oh man the list just goes on. Again, I am obsessed with food, but only the best kind. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the healthy food too, I love my veggies and my fruit which is why this mass love of good things has become a very very big problem. I may think externally that I am eating quite healthy, to be honest I do still try to eat as healthy as possible, but the truth is that I love even healthy food too much that the idea of portion control just goes right out the window along with microwaved meals and fast food.

Now the strange thing that happened to me......I realized for the first time ever that I myself didn't find what I saw in the mirror attractive. It was a strange occurrence, and one that kinda came as a strange out of body experience because it was in no way self battering to my ego or damaging to my self esteem. Honestly, it was more of a blunt understanding that I had indeed gotten to a place I told myself I never would. I can't honestly say that this moment hasn't been creeping up on me because it most definitely has, but I can say that I didn't really understand the emotion and truth of it until I saw something I didn't want to see in a way that I didn't want to see it.

People are so conscious of the way they look these days that it is incredibly hard to look at your own body and say, "I love myself." I have those days too don't get me wrong. I have to tell myself that it's ok that I have red blotchy skin, that it doesn't matter that my teeth aren't all that white or straight, and that I may not have luxuriously thick curly hair, I have long beautiful hair that is for me. I am like the rest in struggling with the daily idea that what my body is...is beautiful, but there is a caveat to this. I love my eyes, my lips, my long legs, the mass of freckles in random places, I love my toes and my hands. I do love myself in the areas that are just me, no changing it in any way, I love those features. BUT....what I don't love are the areas I have allowed myself not to care about because I never fully understood what I had until I lost it. 

When I was looking in the mirror last week I realized that I was far to big around the middle, I am like a fresh green apple walking on long decently muscular legs. My arms are too big and wiggly and lets not even talk about what happened to my back (where does that extra fat even come from!!??). At one point I kinda laughed and thought, "Well now this isn't what I was planning on." I can't help but think about how ridiculous it is that I let myself get to a point that I can't even see the "physical attraction" I used to see in myself. That right there is a problem. 

You might be thinking, "Jess, you need to love yourself no matter what you look like." I agree...that's why this hit me so hard. I love myself too much to keep looking like this! I love my mind, my heart, my soul, I love myself enough to know that I went too far. The hard part is knowing you went to far and not knowing how to rewind and get yourself back to where you were. Where you felt good. It all starts with my obsession with food. It's hard to give up on it, but it is source of energy and enjoyment, I need it as much as it causes me harm. I won't be that person that eats nothing, I know that's impossible, but I need to eat less and be more aware of what I am putting into my body.

The moral of my slightly over expressed experience is that I haven't and won't stop loving myself because of this. I am on a new food journey to find a way to enjoy while eating less. I think the biggest step to take is to recognize what you are doing and then understand why you do it. Once you understand, you have to take the steps to correct the wrong and understand that there will still be downfalls because perfection is impossible. The last step toward success would be to believe you will get there and hold onto patience and understanding of change takes time. Right now I want what I was five years ago, but I can't have that right away. It will take time to achieve. 

I love myself too much to allow myself to remain this way, I will steadily walk toward change because life is too short and precious to stay in a rut of dislike and unhappiness. 

Drip drip drop little April Showers.....

I watched the rain trickle down my bedroom window, tiny flicks of water catapulting at the glass without a sense of restraint. They drift through the sky with an abundance of free energy, zipping toward their end as though they can't wait to be distinguished. And they all end, every single one of them has a fleeting moment of life, and then as quickly as they sprung into existence, they are gone.

Each rain drop that lands catches my eye. Plunck followed by a long winded glide. They are a whirlwind of action and flurry but eventually they die down becoming something to be remembered. I can't remember every raindrop, but some are more amazing and worth focusing on than others.

As I watch the rain trickle in and out of existence I see a sharp spark of light flicker into view. The moment of glory has arrived. It builds in energy as it flows through the sky, crackling in and out of view as though shouting into the void, "I AM HERE!" I love lightening, every time I see it I smile in a startled moment of shock and awe. I am amazed every time, struck with a sense of wonder and enjoyment. It is perfect.

To me, life's many memories are like those drops of water. So many millions of moments, so many millions of seconds falling into minutes of time. A lifetime expelled upon the greedy ground within an afternoon. The lightening however are the catapults, the most amazing memories, the most wonderful stories; they are the golden light in a world of subtle grey. Rain enriches your life soaking you with nourishment to live, but the lightening keeps you moving forward knowing something amazing will happen again if only you are willing to be patient.

There is a moment of sadness though, when the clouds dissipate and wither away, when the sun shines strongly bringing heat and warmth back to the sodden ground. Despite the reprieve of falling water, you now are forced to wait in anticipation.

When will my next lightening find me?

I hope you hear me friend, because I don't know how else to reach you

Perhaps you have noticed the sentimental quality of my blogs lately. I'll be honest, I have had quite the hefty emotional hammer thrown at me and I haven't figured out yet how to deal with it, but I do remember how it feels. This has happened to me too many times and I don't want to have this one run off the tracks.

Now I don't want to be overly specific because there is no reason to talk about personal issues on a very open blog, but I will discuss a situation I dealt with previously and hopefully the person I am trying to get this message out to will hear me. I hope she hears me....

I mentioned an ex-fiance of mine on my last blog and even though our friendship sadly went astray it isn't the only thing I am sad about when I think of him. I also lost a very good girl friend, and a very good confidant in the time I lost my ex-fiance. I remember wondering why when I broke off the engagement that my girlfriend didn't immediately come to my side, I was hurt and left alone. Now honestly when I look back on the situation as I have said before, I made some serious mistakes, ones that I can't take back and ones I don't regret, but I see why my best friend at the time didn't rush to comfort me. I did something hurtful and mean to a friend of hers, I caused harm and pain, I was the bad guy. It wasn't her fault taking the side of the person that needed it, though I should have explained myself better to her at the time, I didn't. I was stubborn and narrow minded. I was hurting, and even though she had no clue, I thought she would understand because.....best friend intuition?

Now I look at friendships the same way I look at relationships with a significant other, they are hard work and not always easy going. There will be arguments and disagreements or misunderstandings. There will be pain and loss, but in the end there will always be love and devotion, loyalty and bitter sweet honesty.

I think way back when I wasn't honest enough to my friends because I thought they would just know. My best friend from way back when, why didn't she know I needed her? How could she, I never actually told her. I didn't explain anything to her, I just expected her to blindly take my side. How ludicrious. Now, how hard was it to see her date my ex-fiance. Really hard. And how hard was it to see them get married but not be invited to the wedding; it was heart breaking. After all of the years of pain and struggle to be close to them both I had been cast out again. Do I blame her? No, I can't, she did the same thing any other sane women would do. Remove the X equation and have a happier life. I don't blame her for our friendly demise, and I don't blame my ex either. I do however blame myself for not handling it better and saying what I really wanted to at the time that I should have said it.

See, now I am going through a slightly similar situation. I desperately want to express myself to someone I hold very dear to my heart, but at the moment she is a little too upset to hear me out. I hope she is listening to me now. I made this mistake before, not saying what I needed to and I don't want to make this mistake again. 

To my best friend,  whom you will always be,  I love you always. We have walked into a difficult situation and for that I can't say I'm sorry.  Every relationship needs to be tested,  every one needs to experience the hurt to understand the good of what they have.  I crossed a line,  part of which I'm not responsible,  but part of which I could have handled a lot better.  I know you are angry with me, and don't worry you are not alone, I'm angry with you too but probably not for the reasons  you may think.  I'm upset we let it get to this,  I'm upset we haven't talked this through. We are allowing this white elephant to sit between us while we remain silent.  I have been here before and it didn't end nicely.  I promised before I would always be honest,  and I stand true to that.  I also need you to know that I am willing to listen to your side.  I may believe one thing,  but I need your facts to know the whole story.  I hope you don't let this amazing friendship we have slip away.  I don't want to see you go,  I love you, but more than that I need you. 

Life is too short to be angry, and the time we have together might not last as long as we hope. I have dealt with too many lost friendships to let this one drift into a mist of nothing. I still miss my friends from way back when and I will always miss them. I always wish things would have worked out differently but people change and grow and move away. I don't want that to happen to us. Please don't let this happen to us.

I hope you read this and see it as my peace offering. I hope you realize how much you mean to me. I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you, make you feel alone, or make you feel like I was against you. I only every wanted to show you the truth. I wanted you to know that I made a very big mistake in my past and I saw you walking the same path, I was only trying to caution you against it but in doing that I caused a train wreck of events that compounded into mistrust and frustration. I hope you hear me when I say I am sorry. I also hope you hear when I say I am hurting too and I need you just as much as I know you need me. 

I love you friend, and always will. I really hope I hear from you soon.....

I don't regret...but I learn not to do it again

It's odd to think in terms of good moments and bad, ones we remember and others we force ourselves to forget. I don't regret a single moment of it though because it taught me valuable lessons that without the experience I never would have learned.

One lesson I took to heart very strongly is to love and let go, forgive and remember. I held a lot of grudges when I was younger and it hurt my relationships very strongly. I inadvertently ended an engagement because I was so hurt by his past mistakes. I held the grudge around my heart and vowed vengeance. I got it, but in the worst possible way. I lost everyone I knew and loved because of it, they all turned against me. I was hurt and frustrated because at the time I felt justified in my actions of retaliation. He totally deserved what he got. Didn't he?

As years passed I slowly realized my massive mistake. Yes he made a mistake and hurt me, yes I pushed it aside and forced myself to deal with it internally or at another time, but I had no right to lash back at him the way I did. I carry this with me every day, but still I don't regret my action because I learned a valuable lesson about love and friendship through my mistakes.

I cherish my friends, I cherish my family, I cherish my boyfriend; I love these people without any reservation. I know walking into a relationship that there will be pain and torment, but I give them my heart fully building a trust with them as we go. Of course trust can be broken, it happens to the worst of us, but I try really hard to always be honest and forward more now that I ever have before.

Now I see things from a perspective of deep understanding of what I want, need, and desire. I want a good friend that sees me for what I am, I need someone who is willing to flux with the ups and downs life has to through at us, and I need them to see that I am honest to a fault and will sometimes overstep my boundaries in trying to be forward and honest. I'm going to make mistakes, and of course I will fail but that is human. The intentions are pure despite the open mouth insert foot moments.

I no longer think of my experiences as good or bad, but more a process of learning and growing. Each second is precious to me and each moment with the people around me means more to me than all the treasures in the world.

And then...I take a deep breath and think about the fact that I already almost 30 and life is too damn short to be sad, hurt, angry or worried. I want to enjoy life, revel in it's beauty and enjoy the moments of love and social interaction. This time I have right now is temporary and I will not waste a second of it.

Instead...
I will ogle my boyfriend every chance I get, giggle and laugh until our stomachs ache, and cuddle until I can't possibly get any closer.
I will drink wine with my girls, gossip like a teenage about silly work stuff, laugh over shared stories and cry and hold onto them when they need an ear and a shoulder to lean on.
I will see my family as much as I can, call my parents as often as possible, and share moments that last a lifetime in our enormous list of "inside jokes"
And I will love them all during every moment of it.
I will also google pug pictures like my life depended on it

To My LA Family, I need to tell you how much you mean to me

You get what you work for. That line will forever be ingrained in my head. It's not what you dream about or what your goal might be, if you work for it, you WILL achieve it.

When I first moved to LA my number one goal was to build a friend base. Sounds silly to some maybe, but it was very important to me to find a family in such an unknown and at the time very scary new place. Yes I wanted a job and a place to live and decent pay, but really truly above everything I wanted really good friends.

I never had that friend base from my child hood that followed me through my life. I had great friends in high school, but we have since dispersed into our own lives and for random circumstances that are neither mine or their faults, we have all lost touch. So truly until I moved to LA I never found my own "people." Now, don't get me wrong, I have many friends that I still love and talk to. Individuals from my past that I love to catch up with. But for the most part (outside of my awesome SD roommates!! Still love you all girls :) my friends were people I met through boyfriends and when the relationship split, I hardly saw those people anymore.

I really wanted my own friends. My own people. I wanted a base of family that I could call my own, and when I moved to LA, I found them.

It started slow like most families do, I met Brandie randomly on a Saturday at what would be my place of work not but 3 months later. We clicked right away and became quick friends but I owe it all to her in the fact that she made a point to be close to me right from the get go. Extremely personable, and never ending energy that I envy every time I chug a cup of coffee, she took me into her world and showed me that even strangers can bond when given the chance.

My next friend, Angel, I met at my first job in Santa Monica. We really truly only worked one actual day with each other, but did the same job on opposite days. I think our bond started with the fact that we both desperately wanted to work in the industry being new to LA, and we both started the job on the same day. I loved her funky colorful style and her ever changing hair color. I still have the pictures from the night we went to a work event chatting with people and acting like we both knew how to be LA, it was a fun night and more than memorable.

Soon after I found my groove in LA, I got a job at a big Post Film house in Hollywood. At first it wasn't so much a dream job as a paycheck, and truly the only people I knew at the time were busy in the time I was free and vice versa. It wasn't easy the first 10 months of living in LA, but it made me a strong person and one that can manage to be on my own.

Eight months into living here, I found myself breaking up with my boyfriend, who I don't need to go into detail about. Brandie and Angel helped me through the breakup bringing me little gift baskets (yes I still love that you brought me a box of bandaids B) and wine to get me through the pain.

Don't worry though, the pain didn't last long. I was in a relationship that should have ended many months before. Soon after I met another new friend....via online dating. Now it might spoil this blog story if you have been reading my blogs, but this is when I met Bear. We dated for about 6 months, and then separated for mutual reasons and understandings, but he became a fast friend that I still can't believe I lucked out in finding on OKcupid.

Bear helped me through the growing pains of being away from my family, along with Brandie helped me move into my new studio, and stayed with me through a night of horrible kidney stones because I didn't have insurance to go to the hospital. He became an anchor of mine early on, and I will always be thankful that I found him when I did.

Next came Laura who packed a bunch of new people into my life. She was like raging river that filters out into many tiny rivers because through her I met everyone else. Brandie introduced me to Laura who also worked at the Hollywood Post house. I went to her boyfriend, Drew's, birthday party and from there my family started to grow. She quickly became a very close friend of mine and I realized quickly that I had found a sister in the depths of LA.

Drew is like the friendliest most happy teddy bear you will ever meet. Blonde hair surfer boy with the most adorable little boy smile, him and Laura are a perfect pair and I loved being around them. Once I fell into their group I saw them practically every weekend. I couldn't get enough of the family and feeling like I finally belonged.

Soon after I met Dan, who I believe is the most giving person in the entire damn world. No joke, when my laptop died and I had nothing to complete my novel on he gave me his old laptop as a christmas gift. Still to this day Dan gives more than he ever receives just because it makes him happy. I try to keep up, but it's like trying to give the rain back to the clouds. I met Dan at a party one night at Drew's house and we instantly started talking nerd. I loved it! He will forever be my go to nerd dictionary, which I believe is absolutely necessary to have.

One energetic New Years Eve I met Melaina and Jordan, boyfriend and girlfriend at the time, friends of Drew and Laura. I had strangely never met them before at all the events and socials at Drews place, but here they were and I instantly loved them both. I took pride in the fact that I stole Melaina's digits that night and looked forward to the next time I would see her. I knew right away that I had found another sister.

These people became my rock, my solid base to stand on. I wouldn't be me today where I am without them.

I'm writing this now because I miss them all terribly. We had one wonderful great year of being together and sharing our lives and in the last 10 months things have twisted out of control. I am not sure when it started or how it came to be what it is now, but I have to tell you I miss my friend family more than anything. I worked so hard to maintain and form these relationships that it kills me inside to see them wilt. Now I know that a lot of friend groups go through growing pains, it just just like any other relationship but still, I want to get back to the good times. I want to mutual love and enjoyment surrounding us that we once had.

I am dedicating this post to you my LA family, the ones that I love and that have been there with me through the difficult and the impossible...

Brandie, I will always cherish your undying devotion and determination to show what a true friend is. Whenever I needed help with the horrible stuff, you were there by my side to help me slog through it.

Angel, my little nerd love and fashionista, you are the most outgoing and enjoyable nerd/fashion lover/computer geek/gamer dominator I have ever met. And your love affair with cats makes me smile like a lunatic because I get it completely.

Laura, my best friend, I can't tell you how much I love you, adore you, cherish your honesty and need your advice. You have helped keep me sane and have guided me toward a humble yet strong woman direction. Not to mention that if anyone were to come after me, you would shank a b*tch!

Drew, the always smiling, giggling happy teddy bear. You are the life of every party man, and the most chill laid back person ever. Not to mention that you are the most determined person and are downright amazing at doing your job. No night out is right without you, and I thank you for being the center that held all of us together.

Dan, the WONDER nerd, the man that gives and gives because "why not?" and the one always ready and waiting to hang out just because, duh it's fun. You always go out of your way and are always the one to drive the furthest just to make sure you don't inconvenience anyone. You have a heart of gold my friend, truly amazing.

Jordan, you are a down right good man with a really infectious giggle. Never one to show up without your arms full of things to share. So many great one liners and loyal like no other. I am so lucky to have you in my life.

Melaina, the jelly to my peanut butter and my bestie until the end, I love you and that will never ever end. When I saw you there was a spark that hit me in the chest and I knew it was kismet, we were meant to be. There is so many wonderful memories, so many wonderful moments. You have been my shoulder to cry on, the ear when I need to vent, and my punching bag when I can't seem to stop the aggression and stress. You have supported my goals and dreams and have been my cheerleader when I needed one most. There is no better feeling than knowing that someone will have your back no matter the circumstance.

Bear, me sweet sweet handsome man. My best friend, my partner in crime, the man I can't stop giggling with and the man that I can't believe is actually mine. I lucked out finding you, and I can't help but thank you for sticking with it with me. It wasn't easy, and we knew going into this that it wouldn't be, but I am so glad we trudged through the mud together to get to the golden road we are on now. I love you, and from the depths of my heart, will always love you.

I hope all of you see how much I care about you, but more than just that how much I miss our family; our togetherness. I want us to push through this hard time and come out the other side into the light. I know there has been hurt and pain in all our lives but we truly can work through it. I miss you all, and I hope I get to see you all again together soon.

To all my readers, I hope you see how incredibly important it is to maintain friendships just as you would a relationship. I love my LA family, and that will never stop.

I Achieved a Bucket List Goal!!!

I have to say, working in the film industry can be insane and crazy and draining, but there are moments when it is the coolest damn thing ever!

The teaser trailer for Dope was released today which will be the first feature film to be released in theater that I will actually have a legit title credit for!

I am so very excited to see this in theater and finally see my name attached to a theatrical release. After working in film for 4 years, I think it is massively deserved. I have been dead set on making this moment happen since I moved up to Los Angeles, and I finally achieved it!! So if you go and see this film and scroll down through the credits look for:

DI Producer      Jessica Clarke

THAT'S ME!

I'm Proud to be a Potterhead

The other night I was riding passenger as me and Bear drove to go get some dinner. I was absentmindedly scrolling through Google + when I realized how many Harry Potter meme's there were on my home page. One giggle led to another and then I had to start sharing them out loud to Bear. He chuckled more at my nerdiness than at the memes but still it caused me to realize how much I am a complete and total Potterhead.

I will go on the record to say that Star Wars had it's followers and George Lucas will have those nerds until the end of time, but JK Rowling has her loyal group of nerds and we will never stop loving the books and movies she gave to us. Star wars had three movie to geek out over (and of course the books), but Harry Potter had seven book and 8 films to go completely nerd over. I think it's safe to say that Harry Potter is the Star Wars of my generation.

It's not just the books though, it's not just the stories of mischief and magic, its the underlying meaning beneath the stories that truly pulls you in as a Potterhead.

There is a strong force of self acceptance and internal struggle that every person goes through. JK captured an awesome story yes, but she also captured the emotions of the every day human, muggles and wizards a like!

I owe JK more than she will ever know and I am proud to be a loyal fan of hers. Potterheads for life my peeps!

And some awesome Harry Potter humor to make you giggle...

You Get What You Focus On

Every morning on my way to work I take this route through the hills of Los Angeles. I'm not sure if it's the angle of the early morning sun, or the hazy fog still clearing from the valleys of the road, but I look at the houses around me as I drive and I think, "I want to live here."

My mother told me once that you get what you focus on. So far her words ring true; I am living in LA working in the film industry as a DI Producer, I have the best group of friends I could ever ask for, I am dating an amazing man that has brought more happiness to my life than I ever could have imagined, and I completed my first novel of my trilogy that I have working on for the past 6 years. Everything that I have set out to achieve, I have accomplished, and to a certain degree shot past the goal I strove for.

New goals take the old one's place, and now I see the things that I want in this life a bit differently. I used to look at those big beautiful homes up on the hill as unobtainable and only for the rich and wealthy. Now, when I look at those homes as I zip through the open back streets of Mulholland drive, I see a future of family, kids playing in the yard, and lazy Sunday bbq's. Those homes are no longer unobtainable and an object of status, now they are reachable and a building block of my future.

If all I have to do is work my booty off until I achieve my goals than so be it. I want to finish the final editing on my novel, land an agent, and send the book off to a publishing house that will share it with the masses. I want to continue working in film and work my way up the ladder to become a top of the line Producer. I want to spend my weekends with my friends and Bear and his little cubs. Yes I want, now it's time to continue to achieve.

It's amazing what happens when you look back and realize that goals you set out to accomplish have been achieved. You begin to see that nothing is impossible. That house right there on the corner of Longbow Dr can be obtained. The best selling trilogy sitting pretty in the window at a book store with my name on it is within my grasp, I just have to reach out and take it.

PUG PICTURE TIME!